D'Izzy Words

The last time I did this meme was a few years ago but still a Friday in September. As close to anniversaries as possible! Rewind and I hope some answers have changed. FYI/warning: this meme asks about memories, relationships (past and current), friends, daily life, interests among other stuff.

( Meme, take two! )

I don't have interest in finishing this Ergo Proxy 1 Disc from Netflix. I really, really should. A llot of my downloadable library items will expire tomorrow and there's no way I can finish listening to (several) of them in time.

Darn.

The last time I posted on LiveJournal/InsaneJournal was August 7th, Sunday. Later, at around midnight after I broke fast and continued snacking and drinking water - ever since I was little I've thought of water as the elixir of life and when you're fasting/dehydrated it absolutely is - Matt and I found a scale in their house and I weighed myself. I was a little less than the absolute limit we set up a few years ago when I tried fasting, so I went "Oh, well! I should stop fasting!" Looking back I think I was a little too cavalier, and gave up too easily. Especially after I found an article about a high school American football player in Florida who continues to go to practices in full gear while fasting. It's good for him his coaches watch him for symptoms of heat stroke/heat exhaustion and the practices were moved to 7am in hopes it'd help the player avoid the heat. Though their games are still in the afternoon, I believe. I was talking about it to Matt and mentioned the football player was 265lbs after losing 10lbs after 9 or so days of fasting and Matt said "He must be a linebacker!" I have no idea what a linebacker is or any football positions but I guess they're the ones who attack the opposing players. I know more about European football than American football. So I went back to the apartment and was happy to be able to eat food and drink water whenever I wanted. And eat my ice cream. I celebrated by buying ice cream, yeah. :P I don't remember what I did the days I was back in the apartment, though I think I started feeling like I wanted to be alone... I did visit Matt the following Friday - he picked me up - and we watched two movies that evening with his family/some of them.

( Source Code, Adjustment Bureau, relationships )

( Museum visit, migraine, Paprika movie )

Then the next Sunday we had a brief driving lesson in a smallish high school parking lot. :( We were out at noon or something so that was understandable we couldn't find a more deserted area. I still didn't get on the road, and acceleration was scary... I think I went up to 8mph...

The work week was a little WTF and multiple breakdowns.

Saturday - there was free medical check up, dental (extraction, cleaning, filling) and vision (prescription, pressure check, dilation check, glaucoma, free frames - you get free complete glasses with prescription lenses if you got there early enough) offered by Remote Area Medical. Matt and I got there around 5:45am after waking up at 4am for shower (him) and breakfast and to drive there. Doors open at 5:30am. My number was 503. Apparently they started handing out numbers at 3:30am! I got into the building at 10am. I got into vision at 10:30am and was done around 1:15pm. I waited for dental but within being 20 people of getting in they started turning people away who had already gotten something else done. :-( SO CLOSE! I left around 5pm and got back to Matt's at 6pm. More than 12 hours of waiting - Matt had to leave around 9am because he had to help his brother move furniture - with about 4 hours of sleep. I still haven't slept long and well since Friday night. A lot of the people there were also students. I had both an optometry student and an optometrist inspect my eyes. My vision sucks.

Today I primed for the first time! And swung on a rope. And played Mario Galaxy. We had a full day of eating, too. Sausages, eggs, watermelon, musk melon, chicken cajun-cheese-mayo sandwich, more watermelon, musk, mango, chicken enchilada, lettuce, salsa, watermelon, musk, mango. YUMMY. Oh and there's corn leftovers. ♥

Thanks, too, to people I talked to amidst crises moments, who put aside time to talk to me/call. ♥

I know when we're angry our filter between thoughts and mouth can get really porous. (I think it's harder to forgive someone for hurting you and insulting you when they've actually thought it through.)

I also know that most people react very badly when they think they're being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed or threatened or given an ultimatum.

I got reminded of something when I looking up old emails with someone. I was trying to find a link they had sent about their volunteer work and found part of the following email. For some reason, until I reread this email, I had completely forgotten Nathaniel, in a response to thinking I was threatening him with cutting myself unless he kept his promises, told me to "fucking cut [myself] you bitch".

I don't like emotional blackmail, doing it or being a recipient of it. I had hoped I would keep my issues down enough that my partner wouldn't feel that way or that they'd give me enough credit to at least try to tell me if they're upset even though they know I don't respond very well to stressful situations. 2008 was the year I got sick, couldn't keep down food and lost weight to 79lbs. It took me the winter break between 2008 and 2009 to weigh more than 90lbs. I can see it from the other person's perspective, too. That even if the mentally ill/mentally unstable person didn't explicitly threaten, you're aware of the risk of saying something they're not quite ready to handle with but you can't hold in anymore and they react in a self-harming way so sometimes you censor yourself. But you also don't want to be held hostage to it.

I got really upset when I read the email I wrote my friend and the chat log (I use AIM through GMail). I called Matt and asked him if he'd ever felt like I was emotionally blackmailing him or he felt pressured or threatened or obligated in any way due to my self-harm. He said he's aware that I've gotten back to self-harming in moments of high distress, how can he not be aware of it, but also that he doesn't spare me. We had a big argument Saturday night - spent hours on the phone - and he said he didn't spare me then and he thinks I would have been insulted if I knew he was thinking of sparing me or have in the past. I would have, if I had known. He said he was aware of the risk that I may cut during/after the argument (not going to lie, I thought about it) but we had to fight out the issue. We're fine now and he's coming up tomorrow. :) But, yes, I'm glad he didn't spare me.

We've had several low blows in our 2-year relationship but nothing to that degree, I think, where we really prick into the other's sensitivities and vulnerabilities. We both can use sarcasm. It may still come and slip out. And if it does, well, I know that'd really hurt. It hurts anytime. But I really hope, even in the red-hot moment of rage, that I'd have enough self-control to not reach in that bag of "really really sensitive stuff almost to the point of unforgivable or forgivable only after a looooong time." Or I'd even forget what his sensitivities were and just fight about whatever we were fighting and try to put the blame all on his side. >_<

( Way back in February 2008 )

Bad love stories happen to everybody, and anybody.

(Though I love that icon.)

I linked to this article "Women announced suicide on Facebook, no one helped" on my Facebook profile. 

I got a very, very despicable answer.

A person on my profile replied "she sucks" on it, to which I responded "Excuse me?" 

His response, after deleting his original post "she sucks" was:

"Yeah she's weak and doesn't know how to deal with her problems like an adult. That's some emo myspace shit."

Oh, that asshole.  I read the post and responded on my mobile phone.  That...asshole. 

I responded with

"So you wrote "she sucks" as your initial response to the post, erased it, then comes back with saying she's weak? Because she committed suicide/attempted it at all, or because she wrote a suicide note online?
I think it's despicable others ...taunted her or made fun of her and didn't take her seriously. I think it's sad that her only friends who asked for her address were those who didn't live nearby and those who seemed to know didn't do anything. Someone saying they'll kill themselves is serious, especially if they seem specific about how and/or when.
There are people who threaten suicide or self-harm to emotionally manipulate people, I've met them or heard of them, but every instance should still be taken seriously. Even if only to show people that their statement is taken seriously, be they seriously suicidal or emotionally manipulative."

It's sooo infuriating, reading his comments.  

Today, when I signed in earlier on MSN/Live Messenger, the article "8 Reasons He Cheats" was featured. After yesterday's article, this one was an additional shock to the memory system. Much hate. Hate.

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This question is very ambiguous. I fall in love with my boyfriend repeatedly. The love is steady, it's there, calm and reassuring like a nice warm sunny day, but sometimes there are those...breathless "oh, wow" moments. Those times when I blink and I'm speechless and...yeah, I literally go "oh, wow" and sometimes I actually tell him "I just fell in love with you again." At least I'm pretty sure I have. (I have a lot of imaginary conversations so telling them apart from real ones is difficult, at times.) Ah, yes, like waves of love, or, to continue with my sunny day metaphor, like a really strong breeze that makes you even more glad you're outside and draws your attention outside from where it was (usually a book for me, or my inner thoughts) and makes you realize how damn beautiful it is outside and how lucky you are you're basking some place warm and safe without war or famine going around you.

(Wow, I cannot write romantic thoughts without bringing in downers.)

So, in that interpretation I bloody hell think it's possible to fall in love with the same person twice in a lifetime. Or darnit, more than twice.

I also think there's a difference between being "in love" with someone and "loving" them. The distinct is mostly romantic vs. platonic, in my mind. I love Kyle, my best friend and a former boyfriend, a lot but I'm not in love with him. I love some very close female friends, but I'm not in love with them. I consider Matt a friend, so I love him, and I consider him my lover, so I'm in love with him, too.

It seems, however, that this question is asking about people you were in a relationship with, then had a concrete break up, and now wondering if you could fall in love with them again.

( More! )

Wow, I am so not coherent today.

Under the LJ-cut are the notes I took from Crazy Love, in case anybody's interested in personality disorders

 

( Notes, Cluster A and B )

I cannot wait until my class next semester! Also, sorry for the formatting. It's copy-and-paste from Word.

( 3 C's )

From this article which is an excerpt from a book. I've never seen an episode of Bravo TV's "The Millionaire Matchmaker." So I don't know how reliable she is.


But this seems common sense. Or perhaps that's just hindsight and experience talking. I think when I was younger, I didn't give much heed to the communication part about resolving arguments or being able to state your feelings without feeling judged. And some parts of compatibility. I think I assumed if we can talk on the phone for hours about likes and dislikes, that ease will automatically apply to all types of communication we need, including deeper things. Hmmm.

The Alt-Text says "... okay, but because you said that, we're breaking up."

Seen here at XKCD.