hani_backup | I agree with the sentiment, if not the language

I wonder about those who wait for the male/girl/other person to ask them out. If I'm interested in someone in any way, I let them know explicitly unless I know they're with someone else, are interested in someone else or for some other reason can't be with me.

It'd be awkward knowing you can't reciprocate someone else's feelings, especially if you hate seeing them feel bad or hurt. (I do.) If someone told me they had feelings for me, I'd have to tell them straight out that I am with Matt, I can't feel for them how I feel for Matt and I'm sorry if that hurts them. I'd also tell Matt, especially if there are chances the two of them would be around each other in the future. I would definitely not apologize for being with Matt. I'd hope I wouldn't equivocate in such a way to avoid hurting their feelings, it made them think "if she was available, I'd have a shot; she didn't shoot me down completely." The few times I wasn't with someone exclusively I'd like to think I was clear with the people in my life about how I felt about them and my expectations and being open about all them. I'm also proud of myself for telling some people "off" if they expressed interest in me while knowing I'm in a committed relationship. I know some people would say being honest is more respectful, even if the person is in a relationship. I usually tend to disagree. I tend to feel that if someone expressed interest in me and Matt it would be very awkward. And, also, I'd be worried what kind of signals he or I are giving for someone to think it'd be reciprocated. Unless they really don't think it'd be awkward and whatever hell happens happens. But if someone is interested in Matt and they hang out together a lot, I'd be apprehensive. Especially if our relationship is still long-distance.

I get really jealous when I see photos of stranger girls on his phone at parties I wasn't there. Wednesday evening I was uploading his video from the martial arts demonstration on my laptop and I asked if I could look at the photos on his phone's memory card. I did find a few pictures of us from the zoo he didn't put on Facebook! I also found a photo of a girl posing (sitting, crossed legs, smiling) at a party at his brother's apartment way back in January. (I was already in school.) Wednesday I was already stressed and sleep-deprived so I snapped more than I should've. Apparently the girl - he doesn't remember her name - was asking a lot of people to take photos of her/ her and her friends. I can understand that, especially if she doesn't have her own phone but wants photos to remember by and she's in them. (I'm generally behind the camera, which I sometimes dislike. But asking someone to take photos of you sometimes sounds vain or narcissistic but if I'm asking I wouldn't mind...) I guess she didn't have a camera though Matt's brother's ex-girlfriend did. But it was at Matt's brother's apartment so maybe the stranger girl is more his friend. It just felt weird. And I also guess it brought back memories of people using technology to cheat on me.

I was anxious and verging on hysteria earlier about homework and stuff, and I took some clonazepam. I still feel anxious. Took a while before I started crying after taking it. And now I feel dizzy. too. Bad. The dizzines could be from sleep deprivation...