D'Izzy Words

Credit goes to twinklewitch   for the FO banner.

Another entry at 4am something.  Unfortunately I napped a bit yesterday so my mym fault. I was doing so well staying awake since waking at 6 am until 5pm or so.

I was suppose to meet a friend again yesterday but he texted me about twenty minutes before we were suppose to meet at 6pm or so, saying he had a bad day and maybe tomorrow (today). I don't know if I'm up for it! Silly me.

I tried valerian. Hasn't worked so far. I'm watching Criminal Minds and thinking if I was kidnapped or murdered, my parents would be quite clueless about my real life and my friends and where I hang out, etc.

I would like to see Criminal Minds to feature a foreign student or adult whose parents live outside the country and focus on how the family falls apart. Sure, the show's got distant parents, drugged parents, etc. I just want to see geographically and by necessity emotionally distant parents.

 

It's been 28 days since I left.

28 Days Later.

Matt and I drove up to Wisconsin last weekend. The motels in Beloit were all booked up so we spent Saturday night in Janesville. We were a little lost - Matt's phone GPS didn't direct us to the right place. His phone also directed us to this small sushi place. We were bored out of our minds and Rockford's movie theatre only showed Cabin in the Woods at 7:30pm and we missed it. We drove up to Beloit, the night before graduation, and visited friends. I hung out with Beth an hour or so while he went to Phi Psi.

After a while I joined him at Phi Psi and met some alums and graduating people. It was a little awkward because I didn't know a lot of them. We drove back up to Janesville around midnight or so.

We slept in a little, checked out at 11am. Graduation started at 11am but we wanted to basically see our friends walk. We had one last brunch at Bagels & More before heading to campus. We didn't bother parking near campus.

We caught the last part of the speaker's speech, then the class speakers and then the walking ceremony! It was great to see people get their diplomas! I was also surprised at Ari (a former classmate) was valedictorian for the Bachelors of Science! I wish I had gotten closer to the stage for everybody.

Afterwards, finding all the people I wrote cards for was extremely easy! I saw my host family one last time, which was quite, quite lovely. I gave the eldest brother the card I got him, and we got some pictures. I also found Robin, the awesome professor and advisor! I gave her a card and we talked a while. She's so lucky she can play Diablo III. My laptop definitely cannot handle it! And Beth came along. I finally met her parents, though so briefly. It was around 2pm when we left, after I did one last tour around campus. I went into Maurer but I couldn't see my room because a senior was in there. :-P

Driving down south, we finally saw Cabin in the Woods in Rockford, Illinois! It was definitely not what I expected. I can't really talk about it because I want to avoid spoilers, and it's hard to talk about the movie without raging spoilers! It's a smart movie. Christ Hemsworth is in it and he looks way younger than his Thor persona. I looked it up on Wikipedia after and apparently it was completed in 2009, slated for a 2010 release but when MGM filed for bankruptcy it was postponed until Lionsgate bought the film. A release date around the same time asMarvel's The Avengers was a good coincidence!

I have photos but I have to upload them on my laptop...

I love it. hana_ginkawa let me know about dhamphir's offer for animated personalized icons, featuring leopards and tigers.

Snow leopard!

I would definitely recommend checking out dhamphir's LJ now and then for offers of personalized icons!

EDIT: Got reminded in a conversation - though the person didn't say it explicitly - that the animal is a snow leopard, not a snow panther. I sometimes get leopards and panthers mixed up. Panthers and leopards seem like they're really similar if not the same for some types. If that makes sense...

When the tickets were released in July I bought two for Matt and myself though I didn't even know if I was still going to be in Chicago for her December 10th concert. I planned on gifting them to someone else if that happened, or putting them up for sale.

Two weeks ago I emailed the other research assistant for my study to ask if we could switch weekend days for the past weekend. I usually work Saturdays and sessions end at 1pm. Tori usually has a Meet & Greet from 2pm to 5pm prior to her concerts. I wanted to sleep in and have time to get ready to wait outside. The other R.A. said okay, but then let me know she couldn't because her schedule changed. I think because of finals.

So I go to the lab Saturday morning and upon looking up Undented's Twitter found out that there wouldn't be a M&G. :-( But I went straight to downtown Chicago nonetheless by myself. ( Before the concert )

We had a quick dinner at the Halsted St. Diner then went to Macy's. Bridgett and Michael met us there and we got a little lost trying to find men's leather gloves. 3rd floor - not in outerwear, redirected to the 2nd floor and got told it was on the first floor. I got Matt a Christmas gift of some rather nice leather gloves. He has a pair for his sweaty outdoor work like shoveling snow so these will be his driving gloves. I think he could have needed them that day in the morning when he drove me to the lab! After we spent some time in the Chicago Theatre lobby, we went to our separate seats.

I got a text from my former international advisor from Beloit College. This int'l advisor is a big fan of Tori Amos as well, and drove us to my first Tori Amos concert in 2007, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Tori's US tour this year was rather brief; she held no concerts in Milwaukee or Detroit like in the past. We hung out briefly while Matt and I kept her company in the souvenir line. I gave her money to buy a T-shirt for me. She wanted the scarf. We went back to our seats for the opening act, the Norweigan artist Thomas Dybdahl. He was okay but I didn't like him as much as Tori Amos's previous two opening acts.

I bought my boyfriend and I seats in a Mezzanine box. It was pretty spiffy. Lots of leg space, which is nice for his 6’5” frame. There are 6 or so people per box. Before the opening act a server (?) came in and asked if we wanted drinks. I didn’t know they did that. I already had my cranberry vodka elsewise I would’ve asked for something, ‘spensive as the drinks are. Matt and I were in box D, seats 1 and 2 so we were against the railing which was rather sweet. Something I hate about being on the floor is that near the end of concerts most people stand up and being the shortie I am, I cannot see over people's ends and that ruins my pleasure of the music. Also, in the boxes, there were a few annoying neighbors but definitely nothing as annoying as past Chicago Theatre times.

The Fab Four, the quartet, were pretty awesome. Tori Amos opened with Shattering Sea. Her setlist from Undented:

( Set list )

On the Undented link there's also some videos of her performance from Chicago. I liked Suede and China from the first half but the second half I found more dynamic and familiar. I was teared up from her cover of The Cure's "Love Song." Ever since I heard a recording of her performing it several years ago in Dallas I've been in love with it. Cruel was also fantastic. And Siren. I thought some songs would be lacking without drums or something, but the cello did fantastically as the backbone. Her own performance lasted two hours which was great since her previous performance lasted 1.5 hours. I love that she ended with Big Wheel. She ended that way two years ago, too. :)

Matt rushed us out of the theatre because he thought getting out of the parking lot would be horrible. The lobby was very crowded. We had to wait for the 2nd time the elevator came down. But parking lot itself was actually quite empty. He felt a bit bad about rushing us all for nothing and that he remembered that I had wanted to spend some time hanging out at a bar afterwards and just hanging out. Oh, well.

Sunday I slept most of the day away. That was kind of nice. :D Sunday night I got a little obsessive and made 3 playlists on my iTunes, one for Milwaukee 2007's setlist, Chicago 2009's setlist and Saturday night's setlist. :D

It's been a long while. There are so many things to be grateful for, beginning with very basic physical survival skills like having all my five senses working, even if they're not as humanly optimal as they could be. Genetics and my own shoddy taking-care-of-myself, yep. But things like being able to walk around are happy things. My body isn't (yet) at a point when I can't handle a pair of stairs if I wanted to and while I may grouse at walking 30 minutes because of bad weather or inappropriate sandals/shoes, I usually don't back away from it for physical reasons unless I'm really tired or carrying heavy things around. I can eat solid food and foods with lactose, gluten... I don't have food allergies that I know of though I should keep everything moderate. Even though I don't have insurance - scary - so far I haven't had to visit a doctor/psychiatrist or psychologist. I can think and understand most things around me, even if I am a little slow on the uptake or too literal or too scared to trust my own thinking and so ask a million questions.

Then there are the "essentials needs" like clothes, shelter, food, water. I have all this. Even when I lived by myself and had a bad diet, I still had potential and resources for a good diet. I have access to drinkable water. I am under a roof. I don't have my winter stuff with me so I'm currently freezing in this abrupt autumn, but that's because they're in storage. We'll get them next weekend, here's hoping.

Then there are the needs of touch and companionship which I do have. I don't have as many people to talk to in person as readily as when I was on campus, but I do have access to the Internet and there's the possibility of mashing schedules together to make something work. This weekend is Homecoming weekend; Matt and I are going back. Weird being an alum, still. Even though I've been withdrawn people do reach out from time to time and ask me how I'm doing, regardless if I reply immediately.

I have a part-time job of sorts (it's kind of like work for room and board) and promising volunteer experiences. Next week I meet a graduate student at University of Chicago's Human Behavioral Pharmacology Laboratory (website isn't quite up to date as the graduate student I'm to meet isn't up there) to be a volunteer research assistant, an orientation of sorts and to meet others helping with the study. I also have a volunteer orientation set at Easter Seals, though there I'm more clerical volunteer and background because I don't have the right certification or experience to be in the classroom. (I had to get a physical and background check done to volunteer with the Illinois Department Children & Family Services.)

My family, last I know, are doing okay. There was a bit of a scare earlier this week - some hospital stays - but they're better now. Oh. My eldest sister is pregnant again. I found out near the end of August so I think she's maybe...12 weeks along now? It was surprising to me because I still haven't met her first child so it seems so quick! It also hurts a bit that her daughter is growing up and going through a lot of firsts and we (her two aunts) weren't there to see them or celebrate later in person. My niece turned 2 years old recently. We're strangers to her and she to us, though we get pictures now and then and news from our parents when they visit her. A lot of my aunts and uncles and cousins are strangers to me; I suppose the cycle continues, with the continental distances.

What sucks about having (as in being diagnosed with it, not just the temporary episodes that occurs normally) depression is that no matter how many good things are going in your life, you still feel, well, depressed. I don't think it's as simple as "thinking out of it" but I hope I have enough fortitude not to continue being self-hating when I see how many people have found employment - via Facebook or alumni notices from high school or college. I know I'm capable of employment which makes it more frustrating, and I don't find jobs like customer service or dishwashing below me. And sometimes there doesn't seem to be a concrete event sparking my depression.

I know I will be a bit of an emotional mess visiting Beloit again, going by last time's visit, but hey - ballroom dance! My shoes are in storage but heh, I'm fine dancing ballroom bare-feet. There's also a possible Apple Hut visit with apple cider donuts. Yum yum.

My memory is bad and I'm still literal enough to do a list for each day and making them specific to events or revelations, so for Thursday and Friday what I remember...

Thursday, September 29
1. Got safely across the city via train and bus
2. A new system/background for doing insurance statements because the last one was a little ZOMG.
3. Pot roast! Or is it roast pot? No, it's pot roast...
4. Found some things I thought I lost
5. Made kek batik with Matt
6. Finished a freaking awesome book - The Girl With No Hands (and other tales) by Angela Slatter

Friday, September 30
1. Found out what was wrong with the fridge.
2. Meatball marinara Subway
3. Chicken for dinner and green grapes and strawberries for dessert (there were also artichokes but not a fan)
4. A great Fleet Foxes performance though some concert-goers were not courteous
5. No stress with trying to find parking or getting there and back. Whew.
6. Disney Pixar stamps.

How weird it is to say that...

Returning upperclassmen moved back onto Beloit College (barring RA's and OL's and other people like that) on Saturday, August 27th. I planned to visit from Saturday to Tuesday sometime. By a lucky coincidence Beth was flying into Midway, which is the closest Van Galder stop to where I was before Saturday. We planned to take the 4pm bus but we managed to meet up at the airport and take the 1:30pm bus because her flight arrived early. Joy!

I stayed with Beth the entire time. I wasn't much help with taking Beth's stuff out of storage. I am a little piddling thing. >_< And she was not on the first floor (and anyway that building had stairs leading up to the first floor). We waited until some of her other friends were free for their help with the other things. While Beth was unpacking I went to see the comedian. On the Saturday everybody else returns, there's a comedian or a hypnotist or something. They're usually college-friendly. People-friendly.

This one definitely was not. She was very crude. She was delayed and she started off with saying the Beloit downtown life was hopping, damn she got hung up on the strippers. >_< And she made fun of an international student because she didn't get a joke/looked blank. The int'l student was from Germany and the comedian said she couldn't think of a single good thing to come out of Germany, except bratwurst. She then asked the student from Germany if she liked bratwurst, but the student was vegetarian. She continued on with some jokes before she made one about CNN delays. You know, like how there's a lag between the on-site reporters and the anchorperson back on set. And she said it was like that, the lag, when she watched the German student. >_< Because it took her a while to get the joke.

I know the way I'm talking about it it doesn't sound offensive. Maybe the fact that I'm - was - an international student myself made me more sensitive to people making stereotypical jokes or those bordering on racism.

Did I mention she was okay making rape jokes? Sexist jokes? Racist jokes? I suppose I'd have to say the only thing she didn't do was make homophobic jokes. She was actually quite pro-homosexuality, being from Arkansas and getting a college degree in a university in the Chicago area. She made fun of other people in her family who were not completely okay with homosexuality.

( Mention of the rape joke )

A few guys left. What makes me proud is that the a few of the Phi Psi guys were the first to leave. When they left the comedian joked about that. She was like "Oh, wait! Why are you leaving? I mentioned a rape joke and suddenly you remember you had something to do!"

Anytime anybody left she said they were going off to have sex with hand gestures. Heterosexual -- a circle with her index and thumb on one hand and the other index poking in it. Homosexual males -- the index fingers poking at each other. Homosexual females -- her hands spread in V's and mushing them together. A few guys even ran because they didn't want her to see them and make jokes about them. She said, at one point, "This is why you don't want to leave!"

She made a lot of other horrible jokes. There were one or two that were a little funny - poking at Bush and Harry Potter references - but bleh. What a stupid, heinous, horrible, insensitive comedian. I was on my phone the entire time, texting with people, checking Facebook. I was between big groups of people. I couldn't leave easily. I was in a room later with Beth and some of her friends when the head of the Programming Board came in. She looked miserable and so sorry. People had written on posters advertising the comedian comments like "I've been to funnier funerals." I was a little flabbergasted the comedian wasn't screened as well on the Internet as she could have been. But this is also the same person who organized the I ♥ Female Orgasm in April that I enjoyed. *sigh*

But that was Saturday evening and afterwards I helped Beth put her clothes away in their proper place. It was very reassuring and comforting to have something routine and orderly to do to calm my mind down...

( Sunday, Monday, Tuesday )

I couldn't see Lindsay which is :-( Not nice.

I haven't touched a laptop since I packed up Friday afternoon to visit Matt and his family... The past few days have been eventful, to say the least. I got on the train a bit late on Friday (for safety's sake it's preferred that I'm on the train by 5pm). And then the bus was a little late... But I got there on time. We watched the final disc of True Blood Season 3.  What a mind-trip. And so dark, dark, dark. Then some serious discussion time with Matt and a phone call with a friend. Serious times. I think I finally crawled into bed around 4am.

Because of the late night, Matt and I didn't get up early to prepare for our trip to the beach, Ohio Street Beach which opens at 11am. We only got up around 11am, something like that, to his brother telling us breakfast was ready. Which it wasn't, completely, but we helped set the table and all that while waiting for the gravy to be done. Yummy biscuits...

Then, afterwards, we readied our stuff. Matt did most of the work, finding the beach blanket, the beach chairs, the umbrella, the Frisbee, preparing the food, etc...

The last time we took a trip to the beach, on July 4th, it went horribly. We were suppose to meet one of my former high school friends and some of her friends up in Evanston, where we didn't know where the beach was or parking situation. We got there, we walked a lot of blocks with our heavy cooler, and my phone didn't get reception. >_< I used Matt's phone but I kept getting my friend's voice mail after several rings. OH MY GOODNESS, I felt so worried and guilty and tense, because it was my friend we were going to meet and the meet-up didn't happen successfully. Turns out she had forgotten her phone back where she's staying and so she had to use one of her friend's smartphones to look up my number in a Facebook message to her. I had called Matt's brother to ask him to pick us up, then I had to call him back and cancel it after he was already a few blocks away (couldn't go further because of roadblocks). My former schoolmates and her friends were way late, too.... It was awkward, tense. The fireworks were a nice show, but it still left a bitter taste in our mouths... It was a very tense situation.

Yesterday's beach adventure was suppose to make for the crap-show the 4th of July was. It did not.

We got on the highway fine, but then the GPS started getting all weird. Ohio Street Beach is given the address of 400 N. Lake Shore Dr n the Chicago Park District official website - though it's not on Google Maps by itself - and then it directed us to the middle of the highway. We're not familiar with the area and how to get underneath or beside the highway. Parking was horrendous. We went around and around for more than an hour? We finally got a parking spot in a parking building near Navy Pier, got a taxi and asked him to take us to Oak Street Beach, but then we noticed Ohio Street Beach was on the map so he dropped us off nearby. We had to walk a bit to find it.

That was around 5:45pm. The beach closes at 7pm. We left the house around...3:30pm? And it takes about 45 minutes to get there, by GPS and traffic. The remaining time was just...going around and around. We were very frustrated and tense... But we found it, in the end.

Ohio Street Beach is much smaller than North Ave Beach. It's at the end of Pfc Milton Olive Park. It's not on Google Maps, even, Ohio Street Beach. Anyhoo, because it's smaller there are no changing facilities on the beach. I had to walk all the way to Navy Pier to change - long line for the bathroom, with only 3 stalls - and then I had to walk back to the beach wearing only my bikini with nothing to cover me... It was a little embarrassing. (The dress I wore beforehand was too tight for me to wear over my bikini.) Stupid me didn't bring my phone with me so I couldn't let Matt know I was okay since I was gone for a while...

But...yeah...we set up the blanket, the chairs, got out the food and water... I got back to the beach at 6:15pm and we spent about half an hour in the water. That was nice... The lake really accentuated the height difference between Matt and I. He walked so far away from me before only his head showed above the water. A few times he dropped me in my height water but I was so clumsy I fell over anyway. :P And inhaled water.

( Ill feeling, fridge broke down )

( Pics )

With my diploma!


My national costume


( *sigh* )

Thursday: Day 4 (1/3b) 5mg

Friday: Day 5 (2/3b) 5mg

What happened Thursday? I don't remember... No, I was able to go to class. I had three alarms set on my phone, with different snooze times. I was able to talk in the first class, in the small group and make conversation with someone on the way to our next class. But otherwise it takes so much energiz to talk, even during the thesis meeting, and it takes so much I feel like I'm in a stupor when I'm not forced to make a conversation.

Frida was ok. Managed to make both classes and the appt during the break. Still felt brain fuzzy during everything.


Tues and Thurs I have Psych Disorders. We finished substance disorders and started eating disorders tues, finished eating disorders and started cognitive disorders Thursday. It's interesting hearing some of the professors' stories or opinions/his tactics when he practiced as a clinical psychologist.

One thing he was pretty firm on, he termed it tough love. With both substance/alcohol abuse and eating disorders he said it's imperative to get them off the drugs or get a stable eating routine established before psychological therapy addressing the underlying issues can be addressed. He said he's experience a lot of alcohol addicted patients he's treated try to justify and do lie about their drinking routine. A ditty he quoted was:

Poor me,
Poor me,
Pour me a drink.
To illustrate how people can not take responsibility for changing their behavior and even if they acknowledge they may have a problem, they don't see their behavior as something that must change.

I can only remember that from my notes. I don't know if the fuzzy mind is medication caused. I don't have self-esteem dialogue going in my mind but I don't seem to card about anything right now, and it's easier to pretend online or force myself for less than an hour. But if the medication is responsible for pushing my appetite up a little, I'm glad. Commons had Meatball Monday with normal meatballs, bbq
meatballs, turkey, chicken, tofurkey... Other nights there were DELICIOUS meat dishes like lemon chicken or bbq chicken or cod.

Usually I consider dinner a social meal, to catch up with friends since we've no classes together. But if geom't have friends around, I don't feel like eating. Ramen in my room is fine. But today I was hungry enough I was willing to go eat by myself. It's weird cause back home during the summer or high school I preferred eating alone and hated being pressured to weekend lunches and dinners with my parents. Though that could've been cause my dad doesn't let reading at the table. :-P It'd be nice when I see my psychiatrist next week to have gained some weight, since I mentioned my goal to gain some weight.

Dry month, damn it. And I can feel the drowsiness creeping up.


I'm typing from my phone in the lounge room. Say Yes to the Dress... I'm hungry for Chinese food but it's expensive to order in solo.$15 minimum to deliver. :'(

Matt is supposed to visit this weekend but is unable to. Poor laddie. I'm wearing his shirt today, the sentimental sap I am. ♥

Cannot think straight.