D'Izzy Words

It's been a long while. There are so many things to be grateful for, beginning with very basic physical survival skills like having all my five senses working, even if they're not as humanly optimal as they could be. Genetics and my own shoddy taking-care-of-myself, yep. But things like being able to walk around are happy things. My body isn't (yet) at a point when I can't handle a pair of stairs if I wanted to and while I may grouse at walking 30 minutes because of bad weather or inappropriate sandals/shoes, I usually don't back away from it for physical reasons unless I'm really tired or carrying heavy things around. I can eat solid food and foods with lactose, gluten... I don't have food allergies that I know of though I should keep everything moderate. Even though I don't have insurance - scary - so far I haven't had to visit a doctor/psychiatrist or psychologist. I can think and understand most things around me, even if I am a little slow on the uptake or too literal or too scared to trust my own thinking and so ask a million questions.

Then there are the "essentials needs" like clothes, shelter, food, water. I have all this. Even when I lived by myself and had a bad diet, I still had potential and resources for a good diet. I have access to drinkable water. I am under a roof. I don't have my winter stuff with me so I'm currently freezing in this abrupt autumn, but that's because they're in storage. We'll get them next weekend, here's hoping.

Then there are the needs of touch and companionship which I do have. I don't have as many people to talk to in person as readily as when I was on campus, but I do have access to the Internet and there's the possibility of mashing schedules together to make something work. This weekend is Homecoming weekend; Matt and I are going back. Weird being an alum, still. Even though I've been withdrawn people do reach out from time to time and ask me how I'm doing, regardless if I reply immediately.

I have a part-time job of sorts (it's kind of like work for room and board) and promising volunteer experiences. Next week I meet a graduate student at University of Chicago's Human Behavioral Pharmacology Laboratory (website isn't quite up to date as the graduate student I'm to meet isn't up there) to be a volunteer research assistant, an orientation of sorts and to meet others helping with the study. I also have a volunteer orientation set at Easter Seals, though there I'm more clerical volunteer and background because I don't have the right certification or experience to be in the classroom. (I had to get a physical and background check done to volunteer with the Illinois Department Children & Family Services.)

My family, last I know, are doing okay. There was a bit of a scare earlier this week - some hospital stays - but they're better now. Oh. My eldest sister is pregnant again. I found out near the end of August so I think she's maybe...12 weeks along now? It was surprising to me because I still haven't met her first child so it seems so quick! It also hurts a bit that her daughter is growing up and going through a lot of firsts and we (her two aunts) weren't there to see them or celebrate later in person. My niece turned 2 years old recently. We're strangers to her and she to us, though we get pictures now and then and news from our parents when they visit her. A lot of my aunts and uncles and cousins are strangers to me; I suppose the cycle continues, with the continental distances.

What sucks about having (as in being diagnosed with it, not just the temporary episodes that occurs normally) depression is that no matter how many good things are going in your life, you still feel, well, depressed. I don't think it's as simple as "thinking out of it" but I hope I have enough fortitude not to continue being self-hating when I see how many people have found employment - via Facebook or alumni notices from high school or college. I know I'm capable of employment which makes it more frustrating, and I don't find jobs like customer service or dishwashing below me. And sometimes there doesn't seem to be a concrete event sparking my depression.

I know I will be a bit of an emotional mess visiting Beloit again, going by last time's visit, but hey - ballroom dance! My shoes are in storage but heh, I'm fine dancing ballroom bare-feet. There's also a possible Apple Hut visit with apple cider donuts. Yum yum.

My memory is bad and I'm still literal enough to do a list for each day and making them specific to events or revelations, so for Thursday and Friday what I remember...

Thursday, September 29
1. Got safely across the city via train and bus
2. A new system/background for doing insurance statements because the last one was a little ZOMG.
3. Pot roast! Or is it roast pot? No, it's pot roast...
4. Found some things I thought I lost
5. Made kek batik with Matt
6. Finished a freaking awesome book - The Girl With No Hands (and other tales) by Angela Slatter

Friday, September 30
1. Found out what was wrong with the fridge.
2. Meatball marinara Subway
3. Chicken for dinner and green grapes and strawberries for dessert (there were also artichokes but not a fan)
4. A great Fleet Foxes performance though some concert-goers were not courteous
5. No stress with trying to find parking or getting there and back. Whew.
6. Disney Pixar stamps.

Woke up before my alarm clock again. This is getting to be frustrating. But I caught up with Kyle on Skype a bit before class, so that was an unintentional good thing. :) I'm still a bit queasy and my stomach feel sore, like people are playing polka on it, but I've managed to keep food down. That's pretty good.

Psych class went well. We finished watching a National Geographic DVD In the Womb for humans. Apparently there are other episodes for other animals. Interesting! Anyway, they used 4D technology (3D with real time) to show the fetus in the womb and wow. I kind of wanted to have a baby right then and there. :P At least it was better than watching the birth in The Miracle of Life (a video I saw in 5th grade for sex ed) during class last Thursday and then the professor rewinding it. It was scary seeing a birth in reverse. Dear God... Scarred.

And we then watched a clip of a woman giving birth standing. It's an old video clip, and it was from a clinic in France. I've seen pictures of a woman giving birth kneeling for sex ed class in 9th grade but this was the first time seeing it "live." I have to say, it seemed way quicker. I guess gravity does help. In the National Geographic DVD In the Womb the narrator stated that standing or kneeling or squatting is the quickest and least painful stance for natural pregnancy as compared to lying down... The woman had her husband holding her up, then the doctor while nurses were kneeling underneath her. I have to wonder why the husband felt he had to wear a Speedo though (or a bright blue underwear cut like tighty whiteys)... Less risk of getting his regular clothes dirty? The wife was naked so maybe the doctor thought skin to skin contact with the husband would soothe her, too... I don't know... It was an interesting class.

( Volunteering is set up )