Notes from Crazy Love

[hani_backup]

Under the LJ-cut are the notes I took from Crazy Love, in case anybody's interested in personality disorders

 

Essential qualities of any personality disorder include the following:

• The way the person experiences the world, handles emotions, and behaves is rigid and deeply etched. It is quite  different from the experience and behavior of most others.
• This pattern of unusual experience and behavior is evident in the person’s way of thinking, emotional expression, interpersonal relationships, and impulse control.
• This personality pattern is rigid and inflexible; you will see it across a broad range of personal and social situations. Unlike most of us, the personality-disordered adult can’t change or flex her demeanor or behavior to appropriately fit different situations.
• These chronic and enduring patterns lead to significant personal distress (e.g. anxiety, depression, anger) or clear impairment in social relationships, occupational success, or other important areas of functioning
• The personality pattern is stable and of long duration; its onset can often be traced back t least to adolescence or early adulthood.
• Although the disordered personality pattern may become less obvious and troublesome with old age, it often remains in some form throughout life.
• The maladaptive personality patterns are self-sustaining in that the person’s style often creates stressors, conflict, and dysfunction – she then has maladaptive responses to these very stressors
• The enduring pattern is not the result of a mental disorder but is a unique expression of personality
• The experiences and behaviors that define a personality disorder are paradoxically experienced by the person as normal – even comfortable and integral to her identity
• The pattern of behavior is extremely resistant to change, and there is often low motivation to pursue change in self.

 

The Top Nine Reasons for Attraction to PDPs (Personality Disordered Partners)

Reason #1: I Seem to be Fooled  by First Impressions

Reason #2: I Seem to Get Tunnel Vision

Reason #3: I Keep Pursuing the Same Dysfunctional Type

Reason #4: I Need to be Needed

Reason #5: I’m Not Worthy of More

Reason #6: I Keep Trying to Fill a Hole in Myself

Reason #7: I Feel Too Guilty to Leave

Reason #8: Maybe the Problem Is Not Just My Partner

Reason #9: Oops! (It Was An Accident)

 

Checklist, a story of someone’s r’ship with this personality disorder, more in-depth of the personality, What Makes the (person with the personality disorder)?, The (personality disorder) as partner, Why I so attracted to (person with this personality disorder)?, Living with a (PD) partner, When It’s time to leave, summary

 

Cluster A: Odd, Eccentric, and Weird Partners

 

The Doubting Partner: The Paranoid Personality Disorder – Trust Nobody, black and white, “for” or “against” me, selective attn to details, vicious cycle, self-affirming, walking on eggshells, projection

• Suspects you are harming, exploiting and somehow deceiving them
• Preoccupied with whether you are truly loyal and trustworthy
• Hesitant to confide in you and fearful how personal info will be used
• Reads demeaning or threatening meanings into thigs you say – even when you sincerely tined to compliment
• When they feel insulted or slighted (which is often), they eems to bear the grudge forever
• Feels easily attacked or wronged and quickly reacts with anger or counterattack
• Seems chronically suspicious about your faithfulness and questions your fidelity

 

Living  W/ Paranoid

• Be Realistic in Your Expectations
• Work Patiently at Establishing Trust
• Although it is tempting, don’t rise to the bait
• Engage in “verbal holding”
• When it comes to your health (and that of children), don’t compromise
• Therapy is unlikely to be helpful

 

The Detached Partner: The Schizoid Personality

• Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships and may even seem apathetic abt your r’ship
• Normally chooses solitary activities and prefers these to time with you
• Shows little or no interest in sex
• Very few activities or experiences appear to bring him any pleasure
• Other than a family member, he has no close friends or confideants
• Appears indifferent to both praise and criticism from others
• Best described as “cold,” “detached,” and “emotionaless”

 

-hallmark inability to form attachments to other people, classic “loner,” always seeking refuge from pres of interpersonal demands, indifferent to scrutiny and evaluation of others so poor performers both in relationships and at work, abysmally low emotional intelligence, bland

 

Living W/ Schizoid

• Be Realistic in expectations
• Don’t push too hard
• Whatever your partner enjoys, join him in it!
• Reinforce, don’t punish
• Find ways to meet emotional needs outside the relationship
• Therapy is unlikely to help

 

 

The Odd Partner: The Schizotypal Personality

• Thoughts are often best described as bizarre – your friends and family call him “weird”
• Thinks that neutral events or random occurrences hold special meaning or importance for him
• Has strange way of perceiving things and you sometimes feel confused by what he reports seeing or experiencing
• Has a weird way of speaking at times, and you notice that other seem confused or startled by things he says or does
• Becomes suspicious at times
• Emotions often seem either inappropriate or weird
• Clothing and appearance are often strange
• Has very few close friends close of your r’ship
• Is often very uncomfortable in social situations because of the way that others respond to his odd behavior

Living W/ Schizotypal

• Accept your partner unconditionally
• don’t push too hard or too fast
• help your partner establish Consistent Social r’ships
• Reinforce appropriate social skills
• Help your partner evaluate the validity of beliefs
• Remember, the goal is not to eliminate oddness

 

Cluster B: Dramatic, Erratic, and Dangerous Partners

 

The Dangerous Partner: The Antisocial Personality

• Engages in unlawful behaviors and may have been arrested or had legal problems
• Has lied, been deceitful, or conned you in order ro further peronsal pleasure or needs
• Is impulsive, doesn’t plan ahead, and fails to think about consequences
• Has been physically aggressive, assaultive, or irritable towards you
• Has exhibited a blatant disregard for your safety or welfare
• Has failed to sustain consistent work or to honor financial responsibilities
• Shows a lack of remorse, exhibits indifference, or rationalizes his behavior when he hurts, mistreats, or steal from you
• Turning the tables and convincing his partner the problem is hers

 

Caution – physical threats and violence

 

Living W/ Antisocial

• Change will come in tiny increments
• Take necessary precautions for your safety
• Kindly but firmly hold your partner accountable
• Trust but verify
• Therapy is not likely to be helpful

 

 

The Stormy Partner: The Borderline Personality

• Is intensely fearful of abandonment and frequently interprets your behaviors as rejecting
• Has a history of intense, unstable, and volatile r’ships
• Has a very fragile self-image
• Has a history of impulsive behaviors (e.g., impulsive spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Has made suicidal gestures or has mutilated herself
• Has intense mood fluctuations (e.g., between depression, anxiety, and angaer)
• Chronically feels “empty” and bored
• Becomes inappropriately angry and lashes out verbally or physically

Caution – suicidal threats and gestures, emotional manipulation

 

Living W/ Borderline Partner

• Professional Help is Mandatory
• Expect Turmoil!
• Accept the Reparenting Role
• Do not reinforce self-destructive behavior
• Challenge the Black-and-White Thinking
• Reinforce strengths

 

 

The Theatrical Partner: The Histrionic Personality

• Is uncomfortable in situations in which she is not the center of attn
• Is often sexually seductive or provocative with other people
• Tends to have shallow behavior that quickly changes
• Utilizes physical appearance to draw attn to herself
• Speech is impressionistic and doesn’t have much dtail
• Often have overly dramatic, exaggerated, and theatrical behavior
• Is highly suggestible
• Thinks that her r’ships are more intimate and intense than they really are

 

Living W/ Theatrical Partner

• Set firm boundaries and limits
• Provide your partner with consistent  feeback
• Encourage warmth and empathy
• As always, realistic expectations are warranted

 

The Self-Absorbed Partner: The Narcissistic Personality

• Has an inflated sense of self-importance and often exaggerates his talents and achievements
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty or ideal love
• Believes that he is “special” and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special, talented, or famous ppl
• Requires you to offer excessive and constant admiration
• Shows a strong sense of entitlement; he expects others to give him special treatment or automatically comply with his wishes
• Exploits other people, often taking advantage of you and others to meet his own ends
• Seems to lack empathy and fails to recognize or respond to the feeling and needs of others
• Often envious of others or believes others are envious of him
• Is frequently arrogant in attitude or behavior

 

Living W/ Narcissistic personality

• First, take care of yourself
• Provide narcissistic mirroring
• See through your partner’s jealousy
• Set limits on demeaning behavior and narcissistic rage
• At times, use narcissism to your advantage
• Reinforce even small gains in empathy
• Psychotherapy is a long-term endeavor

 

The Undermining Partner: The Passive-Aggressive Personality

• Passively refuses to fulfill routine job and social tasks
• Complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
• Is often sullen and argumentative
• Seems unreasonably angry and critical of authority figures
• Often envious and resentful towards those more fortunate or successful
• Exaggerates and complains about his own misfortune
• Alternates between passive compliance and hostile defiance
• Behavior begins to undermine your happiness and success

 

Living W/ Passive-Aggressive Partner

• See your partner’s behavior for what it is
• Set Firm limits and stick to them
• Recognize that therapy is rarely a solution
• Refuse to validate anger and resentment at authority figures

I cannot wait until my class next semester! Also, sorry for the formatting. It's copy-and-paste from Word.

Comments

[kiiabby.livejournal.com]

awww, I think some of your coding has broken, but what I read was very interesting :) x

[hani.livejournal.com]

I fixed it! And Cluster C is in another post: http://hani.livejournal.com/522359.html

[kiiabby.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) It has been interesting to read both posts - I can see a lot of my ex in cluster C... it's made things a bit clearer in my mind. I know he's not right for me and going back to him would only cause me more stress in the long term, but I miss him terribly right now and it's been difficult fighting that feeling.

Many of the problems he laid at my feet were really his own, and I was blind enough to not realise that for a very long time.

[hani.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the posts were illuminating and/or helpful. :)

Yeah, sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves and self-flagellate than realize the problems were out of our hands.