Notes from Crazy Love - Cluster C

[hani_backup]

Cluster C!

Cluster C: Anxious, Withdrawn, and Needy Partners

 

The Scared Partner: The Avoidance Personality

• Avoids occupational activities that involve a large amount of contact with others because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Is not willing to get involved with other people unless certain of being liked
• Doesn’t share easily in close or intimate relationships for fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected when in social situations
• Is inhibited or uncomfortable in new social situations because of feelings of inadequacy

 

Living W/ an Avoidant Partner

• Be realistic about your expectations
• Gently but honestly tell your partner what you need
• Try to open doors for yourself and your partner
• Urge your partner to seek out professional help

 

The Sticky Partner: The Dependent Personality

• Has difficulty making everyday decisions without a lot of advices and reassurances from you and from others
• Needs you, or others, to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life
• Has difficulty disagreeing or taking a stand against others for fear of disapproval or loss of support
• Has a hard time starting projects or doing things herself because of a lack of confidence in her abilities or judgments
• Goes to great lengths for nurturance and support from others and will sometimes  even volunteer to do things that are unpleasant to feed this need
• Often feels uncomfortable and helpless when alone because of intense fears of being unable to take care of herself
• Quickly and urgently seeks new relationships for care and support when a close relationship ends
• Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of having to take care of herself

 

Living W/ a Dependent Partner

• As always, be cautiously optimistic
• Help your partner enjoy small successes
• Open up your partner’s world
• Reinforce acquisition of competencies
• Allow your partner to be the expert and call the shots
• Will therapy help?
  
  

The Rigid Partner: The Obsessive-Compulsive Personality

• Is so preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, and schedules that the points of the activity or any enjoyment are lost
• Is such a perfectionist that tasks don’t get completed
• Is excessively devoted to work and to productivity to the exclusion of relationships, fun, and leisure activities
• Is overconscientious and inflexible about morality or ethical rules
• Is unable to throw away old, worn-out, or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
• Doesn’t like to delegate tasks or work to others unless it is done precisely his way
• Is a miserly spender on himself and others
• Is rigid and stubborn and has a high need for control

Note – very different from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (severe anxiety disorder)

Those suffering from OCPD do no generally feed the need to repeatedly perform ritualistic actions in order to control anxiety-provoking obsessions. Pppl with OCPD have personality traits perfectionism, control, order, rigidity, and stubbornness, but they are rarely overwhelmed by anxiety or plagued by disturbing thoughts.

 

Living W/ an Obsessive-Compulsive Partner

·         Be very realistic about your expectations

·         Help your partner see the bigger picture

·         Help your partner with empathy

·         Capitalize on your partner’s strengths

·         Therapy probably won’t hurt

 

The Glum: The Depressive Personality

• Overall demeanor is defined by gloominess, cheerlessness, and unhappiness
• Sense of self is defined by feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and low self-esteem
• Is critical, blaming, and negative toward himself
• Tends to brood and worry
• Is negative, critical, and judgmental to you and others
• Is pessimistic about almost everything
• Tends to feel guilty and remorseful

Note – while not a serious mood disorder (like major depression or bipolar disorder), the depressive person has symptoms that mimic those of someone who is chronically depressed

(Eeyore Syndrome)

 

Living W/ a Depressive Partner

• Anticipate small changes
• Be aware of your role in reinforcing your partner’s behavior
• Teach your partner to stop and enjoy the small things in life
• Engage in cognitive reframing
• Therapy may be useful

Comments

[mountain-king.livejournal.com]

It's fascinating to me how much each of these clusters reminds me of my ex. For a long time I hated myself because I was convinced that I was the reason why our relationship fell apart. The more distance I have though the more I realize that I'm not the one to blame at all. Sometimes we just get involved with people who have serious personal issues but, being good people, we choose to only see the good in them. Life isn't that simple. There's good mixed with the bad and the trick is recognizing when the bad outweighs the good (or vice versa). It's a hard thing to do, but a necessary skill to learn if we are ever to be happy with our lives.

I'm more happy now than I ever was while I was dating Morgan. Her dumping me was in the end the best thing that's happened in my life because it forced me to reevaluate everything about myself. That breakup was a crucible that burned away all the excess and left me with the parts of myself that are truly valuable. Reading these past few entries of yours has only made it clearer just how messed up that poor girl is and how unjust it was for me to blame myself. I truly hope (and I think your entries prove) that your experience with Nathaniel brought you ultimately to a much better and happier place in your life. Sometimes it takes a great deal of pain and anguish to make us better people.


-Scott

[hani.livejournal.com]

Hi Scott,

Right now I'm a little unfocused to reply to your comment with anything but a

"Thank you for taking the time to read the past few entries, and thank you for letting me know something I wrote/took notes of resonated with you. Your comment meant a lot to me."