hani_backup | In a fit of anger and upset, telling someone to do something bad...

I know when we're angry our filter between thoughts and mouth can get really porous. (I think it's harder to forgive someone for hurting you and insulting you when they've actually thought it through.)

I also know that most people react very badly when they think they're being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed or threatened or given an ultimatum.

I got reminded of something when I looking up old emails with someone. I was trying to find a link they had sent about their volunteer work and found part of the following email. For some reason, until I reread this email, I had completely forgotten Nathaniel, in a response to thinking I was threatening him with cutting myself unless he kept his promises, told me to "fucking cut [myself] you bitch".

I don't like emotional blackmail, doing it or being a recipient of it. I had hoped I would keep my issues down enough that my partner wouldn't feel that way or that they'd give me enough credit to at least try to tell me if they're upset even though they know I don't respond very well to stressful situations. 2008 was the year I got sick, couldn't keep down food and lost weight to 79lbs. It took me the winter break between 2008 and 2009 to weigh more than 90lbs. I can see it from the other person's perspective, too. That even if the mentally ill/mentally unstable person didn't explicitly threaten, you're aware of the risk of saying something they're not quite ready to handle with but you can't hold in anymore and they react in a self-harming way so sometimes you censor yourself. But you also don't want to be held hostage to it.

I got really upset when I read the email I wrote my friend and the chat log (I use AIM through GMail). I called Matt and asked him if he'd ever felt like I was emotionally blackmailing him or he felt pressured or threatened or obligated in any way due to my self-harm. He said he's aware that I've gotten back to self-harming in moments of high distress, how can he not be aware of it, but also that he doesn't spare me. We had a big argument Saturday night - spent hours on the phone - and he said he didn't spare me then and he thinks I would have been insulted if I knew he was thinking of sparing me or have in the past. I would have, if I had known. He said he was aware of the risk that I may cut during/after the argument (not going to lie, I thought about it) but we had to fight out the issue. We're fine now and he's coming up tomorrow. :) But, yes, I'm glad he didn't spare me.

We've had several low blows in our 2-year relationship but nothing to that degree, I think, where we really prick into the other's sensitivities and vulnerabilities. We both can use sarcasm. It may still come and slip out. And if it does, well, I know that'd really hurt. It hurts anytime. But I really hope, even in the red-hot moment of rage, that I'd have enough self-control to not reach in that bag of "really really sensitive stuff almost to the point of unforgivable or forgivable only after a looooong time." Or I'd even forget what his sensitivities were and just fight about whatever we were fighting and try to put the blame all on his side. >_<

The email ~~~
i can't get past the one he sent me saying:

I can't tolerate this anymore, If you want to make threats and tormemt me with your emotions then go ahead and fucking cut yourself you bitch

followed by:

You don't understand how you make me feel

with my reply being:

My mistake was in thinking you were someone I could trust. I didn't want to question you every week about your promise like someone suggested but you can't even keep to one little thing. I apparently am a Bitch who torments you and threatens you with my promises. I threw out the blade last night in the bins while you were in the bathroom after the library so it wouldn't stay in your room but wasn't good enough.

But thank you for the permission. I'll just find something else if I'm in the mood.

Him to me 8:48pm
you really stir me up

8:50 me to him:

Too bad it's not in a good way.

him to me 8:52am
i'm sorry i didn't tell you about her contacting me, I feel really on edge

8:55 me to him:

I don't know why it's so hard. When she messaged you Friday at movies/Saturday online I don't think I reacted badly compared to the times you don't tell me i find out later by asking you.Or compared to you aren't keeping to promises. I don't want to be untrusting and ask you every single week.

Then a few calls from me to him about my appointments and such.

12:09 him to me:
I told her that I wasn't going to talk to her
Do not write about this in any journal

18:58 npc3000: I take it this hasn't been your day...

18:59 me: No. I also misplaced my phone before we found out it at the Health Center. rubs my face I cut my left sole.

19:01 npc3000: what????

me: I cut the bottom of my left foot. It isn't deep; the skin is very thick.

npc3000: Izzy...

19:02 me: I'm sorry. I was angry, frustrated and I did it before you sent the text messages you did, so I hope you don't think your text messages were responsible.

19:03 npc3000: what would help you get out of this?

19:04 me: I don't know. sigh I also scratched and tore up one picture of myself and cut myself from the picture of you and me we took over the summer (where you were kissing my cheek)

19:05 npc3000: oh dear...

me: But I couldn't do anything to your side of the picture though God help me after reading that first text message I really wanted to

I can't believe you said what you did.

But I'm glad that if I had to cut myself, it was before that message

npc3000: I was incredibly upset

19:06 me: You called me a bitch

And told me fucking cut myself

npc3000: you threatened me

me: How?

npc3000: you implied that you would cut yourself if I didn't keep my promises

19:07 me: Oh, please.

Sorry. I didn't mean to, if I did.

The promises I was talking about was not cutting myself in front of you or in your room. I would have cut myself regardless of promises or not; it was my choice of how much I could take before I blew up.

19:08 I think that was the first time you insulted me that way.

19:10 npc3000: I didn't mean it, I was just trying to be hurtful because I was really upset

me: And you knew I would take it.

Would you have apologized for it?

19:11 npc3000: yes but possibly not before the test

19:12 me: Well, no.

I wouldn't expect us to have any heavy conversation before the test.

19:13 That's why I didn't tell you I had cut myself before you took your test.

npc3000: what I mean to imply is that it's really aggravating to have drama on a day when I'm anticipating a test

19:14 me: I know I know.

5 minutes

19:19 me: I still am upset about what you said. You're fortunate Julie's death affected me as it did or that I wasn't desperate enough to cut myself in really bad, obvious places.
But why did you send the message about writing it in a journal?

19:21 npc3000: because if she saw it then I would have more drama to deal with

19:22 I meant to say 'please in my text message but I was too tired to remember to before I sent it

19:23 me: I wouldn't talk about that kind of drama in an public entry in my personal journal.

I did in a few communities (just about how I wanted to cut myself and I did)

11 minutes

19:34 me: Please give me more credit than that.

19:35 npc3000: it's not a matter of credit

it's a matter of me being anxiousme: Well, because I thought you were ordering me to, I was pretty resentful I had to further censor myself. So I went through several communities where I either vented about the situation or the need to cut over the past few months and took them down/copied in my journal.