D'Izzy Words

flight tomorrow to Vegas. I'm in a neck brace. here's hoping 24 hours is enough. (pinched nerve, apparently)

Earlier this week I was talking with someone about our births.  I was musing over the fact that I felt I should have been bigger and taller than I currently am, if only because both my sisters are taller than my mom whereas I'm the shortest in the family.  I then told them about what my mom had told me: That there was something wrong with her/my placenta during her pregnancy of me so I didn't get all of the nutrients I should have had from all the food she eating.  There was a possibility also of the oxygen uptake and gas exchange (O2, CO2) not being optimal.

I knew already that my conversing partner was 10 pounds 4 ounces (10.25lbs/4.6493 kg).  That's really big for an infant!  The nurses bought their mother flowers, out of sympathy.. They were born with the umbilical cord around their neck. Thankfully they were delivered with a C-section, which made it easier to ease the umbilical off.

I was born very small though I didn't know how much I weighed at birth.  I stayed in the incubator for 26 days afterwards which doesn't seem a long time to me, but I was told it was a long time by the other person's standards. I don't know how different hospitalized neonatal care is in Malaysia and other countries.

This ignorance of my birth weight led me to text my mother and ask her.  Apparently I was 1.5 kg. In American terms, that 3.3lbs/3 pounds 4.8 ounces!  I was about a third of the other person's baby weight!  We didn't know what the ranges were for underweight, normal, and large babies were besides our vague notion that double digit pound babies are huge.  They Googled something like 3.3lbs baby and found that I was on the cusp of underweight-very/extremely underweight baby or very low birthweight for some sites. 

My mom texted me that  I was not a premature baby and went to full term.  I had a vague notion about that, just from my mom once telling me that I "didn't want to leave" and that one of my sisters were "eager to leave."  She also mentioned again something being wrong with the placenta. Her remark led me to Googling some terms I can't remember now but led me to intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). 

According to PubMed:

Intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR) refers to the poor growth of a baby while in the mother's womb during pregnancy. Specifically, it means the developing baby weights less than 90% of other babies at the same gestational age.

( More )

I don't know if the doctor gave this as a possibility to my mom.  I have no idea what was wrong with the placenta, if there was a name for it. My dad's told me my head seemed big for my body and it was all "floppy" but baby's necks are too weak to support the head, anyway.  I didn't get passive antibodies from my mother, spread through breastmilk, because I was fed on formula.  I didn't react well to something in her breastmilk, a sensitivity to something.

I don't know if I would ever have children.  Maybe?  Maybe not.  I know I can expect a small baby, if not hope for a small baby!  My mom, after giving birth to all of us, was pretty thin, judging from the photos and some of her post-pregnancy clothes I tried on.  (Like clothes from when we lived in NYC when I was 11 months old.)  She got married when she was 23 years old and I can't fit in her wedding outfit; she was that slim.  I do have a different body shape from my sisters and my mom, though.  One of my older sisters could fit in her wedding outfit, at least back in high school.  My mom was pretty athletic all through primary and secondary school. She likes to take long walks when she can.

On a funny note, my mom texted me that my older sisters were 5 and 5.5 kilos.  That's 11lbs and 12.1lbs, respectively!  That's bigger than the person I was talking with, and their mother was far taller than my mother!  I texted her back, saying that was heavy and she said, no, it's normal and I responded, no, I don't think so.  Then she replied and said that she got it wrong, they were 5 and 5.5 pounds at birth, not kilograms! Whew, what a relief!

Trivially, I miss having access to a gym. Summer 2010 I worked out several times a week, with weights mostly. The following academic year there I didn't work out much at all. The previous academic years I didn't exercise at all.

I know I lack the will-power to exercise now. I haven't done any since graduating. There have been no stretches, resistance training, warm-ups. I've done about a week's worth of warm up stretches when I had intense back pain, for rehab purposes. I did one or two days of exercises with Matt. I use the excuse of not having access to a gym, not having money for a gym membership, the cold weather, the busy schedule, not having enough sleep, to not do any serious exercise.

I know some people prefer a more spontaneous and explosive work out, such as Zumba (I believe it's like dancing?) or running outside or basketball. I wouldn't mind basketball, but I like working out in a gym, by myself. With my mp3 music. It's a time to reflect and just lose myself in the music, in the muscles, in my breath. I can be alone with a book, watching something, and my mind is somewhat quiet, but it's not quite the same.

I miss the little extra strength I had a year and a hall. That summer my digestive issues weren't as bad, either, for whatever reason. I think I had more carrots and fruits, and water. That BRITA filter saved my life. I miss having abdominal muscles that show. I do miss looking how I did when we went to Disney World...

( Picture )

So I succeeded at fasting the first two days of Ramadan. Monday was surprising. I was asleep most of the day. I think part of that was still recovering from Saturday. Thankfully I didn't push myself too much. Matt had to wake me up when he got back from work and I basically stayed upstairs until the table needed to be set.

I stayed upstairs because I was so damn tempted to forage in the fridge.

Tuesday, I was not that smart or aware. I didn't check weather.com when I left Matt around 1pm, wearing jeans. I walked about 20 mins to the station, and then waited in the sun for the Metra. Then I had to walk a little more at a transfer point between the Metra station and the cta station. Then because the train was so late, it had to run express so I had to get off 3 stops before my stop because it went to express to a few stops behind mine. >_< Of course this stop wasn't shaded... By the time I got back to the apartment 2 hours later I was pooped and quickly disrobed to my undies and fell asleep. I only woke up when Matt called me, asking if I was still there, and when my alarm set for fasting rang. Yay. I found out the day had a heat advisory, too, which explains how hot I felt, but I thought I was just oversensitive because I couldn't damn drink.

Pasta and ice cream, for the win. There were fantastic thunderstorms last night. I went out on the fire escape and got soaked. I loved it. I wish I could have run through that rain with Matt. "Cavort" was the word I used.

Today is the third day of fasting. I'll drink a little each day because I have pills to take 3 times a day, but I'm taking as little as I can.

I do sometimes wonder about that...how children react knowing/finding out one of their parents had plastic surgery (for non-necessary medical reasons). From the sound of the postsecret it doesn't sound like the plastic surgery was for medical reasons (skin grafts for a burn, cleft lip, breast reduction for back pain, etc.) so I'm going to assuming it's more for cosmetic reasons. I think I'd find it hypocritical, considering my parents' beliefs and how they forbade me to wear nail polish or use henna outside of wedding things and bleaching and dyeing your hairw as definitely not allowed and seen as being ungrateful for how God made you... But if it weren't for those beliefs, I imagine I might be more self-conscious about my body and possibly harangue for plastic surgery for myself. >_<

( If I was a parent and my kid wanted plastic surgery... )

Going back to the original PostSecret, yes, I think I'd feel more self-conscious about my body if I suddenly found out a parent had plastic surgery done (assuming they weren't being hypocrites) and wonder if that parent judges me on my appearance. (The comments my parents usually make about my appearance is my hair is too wet to go outside in public, brush my hair, or I should eat more cause I'm too thin.) I think my mom and dad look fine the way they are. I rarely think about their appearance, unless they ask me too or someone asks me what they look like. I generally think people look okay the way they do and if I found out something I thought was nice about them or just naturally part of them was fake... Yeah, weird. And I'd get suspicious of my judgement from then on, about what is natural and what isn't...

Thursday: Day 4 (1/3b) 5mg

Friday: Day 5 (2/3b) 5mg

What happened Thursday? I don't remember... No, I was able to go to class. I had three alarms set on my phone, with different snooze times. I was able to talk in the first class, in the small group and make conversation with someone on the way to our next class. But otherwise it takes so much energiz to talk, even during the thesis meeting, and it takes so much I feel like I'm in a stupor when I'm not forced to make a conversation.

Frida was ok. Managed to make both classes and the appt during the break. Still felt brain fuzzy during everything.


Tues and Thurs I have Psych Disorders. We finished substance disorders and started eating disorders tues, finished eating disorders and started cognitive disorders Thursday. It's interesting hearing some of the professors' stories or opinions/his tactics when he practiced as a clinical psychologist.

One thing he was pretty firm on, he termed it tough love. With both substance/alcohol abuse and eating disorders he said it's imperative to get them off the drugs or get a stable eating routine established before psychological therapy addressing the underlying issues can be addressed. He said he's experience a lot of alcohol addicted patients he's treated try to justify and do lie about their drinking routine. A ditty he quoted was:

Poor me,
Poor me,
Pour me a drink.
To illustrate how people can not take responsibility for changing their behavior and even if they acknowledge they may have a problem, they don't see their behavior as something that must change.

I can only remember that from my notes. I don't know if the fuzzy mind is medication caused. I don't have self-esteem dialogue going in my mind but I don't seem to card about anything right now, and it's easier to pretend online or force myself for less than an hour. But if the medication is responsible for pushing my appetite up a little, I'm glad. Commons had Meatball Monday with normal meatballs, bbq
meatballs, turkey, chicken, tofurkey... Other nights there were DELICIOUS meat dishes like lemon chicken or bbq chicken or cod.

Usually I consider dinner a social meal, to catch up with friends since we've no classes together. But if geom't have friends around, I don't feel like eating. Ramen in my room is fine. But today I was hungry enough I was willing to go eat by myself. It's weird cause back home during the summer or high school I preferred eating alone and hated being pressured to weekend lunches and dinners with my parents. Though that could've been cause my dad doesn't let reading at the table. :-P It'd be nice when I see my psychiatrist next week to have gained some weight, since I mentioned my goal to gain some weight.

Dry month, damn it. And I can feel the drowsiness creeping up.


I'm typing from my phone in the lounge room. Say Yes to the Dress... I'm hungry for Chinese food but it's expensive to order in solo.$15 minimum to deliver. :'(

Matt is supposed to visit this weekend but is unable to. Poor laddie. I'm wearing his shirt today, the sentimental sap I am. ♥

Cannot think straight.

This was so long ago, I don't think I can remember all the sets and reps properly

August 8, 2010, Sunday
Ran/walked/jogged outside (where I broke out into hikes...) for about 30 minutes, 1.4 miles I think?

( Mess of a log )

I worked out after the Germany-Spain semifinal game. Had to get my frustrations out. I forgot my water bottle back home, and the vending machine in the Student Center ate my dollar bill when I tried to get water. It gave me back a quarter, which is the correct change. However, it didn't give me the water bottle! I was so pissed off. Thankfully the vending machine in the Sports Center worked though a bottle of water there costs $1.00. ARGH. Wasting money, stupid machine in Pearson's. Well, it's originally my fault. If I hadn't forgotten my water bottle, I wouldn't have needed to buy another bottle. :-( Bad forgetful Izzy...

When I went to the College Health Center yesterday I got weighed by a nurse before my therapist appointment. It irked me how different the two scales in the gym were, so I asked her to do that. I was right in thinking I gained back all the lost weight during the school year and some. Right now I don't care about my weight if it'll mean I can take pride in my body as a part of me I've worked hard at maintaining and keeping healthy instead of somewhat abusing it as I have in the past with lacking nutritional meals and physical laziness. (I think I'll still be sleeping in, though...)

If I jump back on a consistent every-other-day-ish gym schedule again (the last time was Thursday, though Matt visited last weekend), I can hopefully move to heavier. I tried doing 1x10 of bicep curls with the 8lbs weights, and ohmygod, that was so difficult. I'm going to stick to my 5lbs free weights, though I added small weight increases to some of the machine exercises I did. I also did the machines before my free weights instead of the usual way because there were several people already in front of the free weights bar. Too crowded and I'd hate to be accidentally hit by someone doing a side raise with a 30lbs weight!

I know people probably aren't interested in this, or will read the log all the way through. I still like posting it online in case I can't access my Word document keeping track, and need to refresh my memory on what weights and repetitions I'm doing. Today it made me feel good to see I'm not the only one in the gym with a sheet of paper/a notebook of exercises to do and checking them out. Two other people had them, and another girl had flashcards of yoga/stretching exercises to do.

I went back to doing a mile before my strength workout because I haven't gone to the public library in a long time. The walk to the public library takes me about an hour, and it's 2.8 miles to and fro. I just did my usual elliptical run. I think I'd go crazy if I walked on a treadmill for half an hour with no goal in end.

( Routine )

I've started taking my antibiotics and the side effects have made going to class uncomfortable. Also, trying to figure out a good time for taking this antibiotic twice a day, 2 hrs before and after meals/dairy products and "NOT BEFORE BEDTIME" is a lot harder than I thought. Especially with dance rehearsals/classes + side effects to consider.

Today I read shadesong's entry and followed her link to bookshop's entry "Bad Romance (or, YA & Rape Culture). I had Hush, Hush on my to-read list because the cover was beautiful and the synopsis on Goodreads.com didn't seem that bad, but reading that entry made me want to kick the book across a muddy field. (I still can't say I want to burn it. I don't know if I've yet reach a point of horror and hatred that I would say I want to burn a book.) That books sound like all the bad, anti-feminist parts of Twilight gone hay-wire. As one commentor said (I think), Twilight idealizes stalking = love, whereas Nora, the main female character in Hush, Hush knows that Patch's stalking is wrong and makes her uncomfortable. Apparently she tries repeatedly to get the bio teacher to change their seating arrangement, but he won't do it, scoffing at her statements she feels uncomfortable (I want to kill him), and she tells Patch, too, but he still pursues her. To the point that somewhere expelicitly in the book she wonders if he's going to rape her. WTF? This has a happy ending, apparently. They fall in love or whatever. Why is this a best seller about teenage love instead of a best-seller about "WHAT LOVE ISN'T" or "WHAT LOVE SHOULDN'T BE"???

But yes, I extremely dislike books where stalking and ignoring someone's request to back off is okay, it's romantic, it's tough-guy. The sought-after person will soon realize you're soulmates and meant for each other. I hate it more when it seems to "work" and the girl (usually it's the girl) falls for the guy in the end. I also hate it when movies have that kind of plotline. I don't care if it's a "cool, suave" guy going after a "bookish" girl, or a "socially awkward boy" going after a "really popular and hot girl" or gender roles reversed with the girl hunting the guy (though I can't really recall that many off the top of my head. I know "John Tucker Must Die" was more about revenge against a guy who played them all...). It doesn't matter if I'm suppose to root for the socially awkward person to win the popular person and show them that "hey, you're really shallow for thinking I'm not worth your time because I'm lower on the social status ladder than you. I'm a person, too, and I'm deep and quirky and treat you better than the shallow significant others [of the same social strata] you've been with." No... If someone tells you they are not interested in you, or shows it very, very obviously, or does not put forth any effort in talking to you, (rather than you cornering them and making them awkwardly talk back to you because you won't freaking let them be quiet), you should respect that. You should not make things awkward and embarrassing for the both of you for continually pursuing said person and coming up with antics that enroach on their personal space and discomfort them. What happened to respect? Over the years those movies have really started to bug me. Romance =/= wearing down someone's resistance and having them capitulate to date you, even if you do have some good qualities.

bookshop's entry leads to another blog, Fugitivis's "Another post about rape." To basically copy the same sections bookshop thought relevant:

( Cut - social rules females are taught to follow )

She then talks about a scenario of being on a bus and having a guy giving you the eye and two various ways you could react to it - breaking the rules or obeying the rules. This really freaked me out because I remember the one time I was really uncomfortable on a bus to the public library because two guys kept talking at me (Event 3 on the day).

From that day, I wrote:

( Cut for longness )

A friend and I were talking about our scary run-ins yesterday. Next week is the start of Sexual Assault Awareness Week here, and there are self-defense classes being offered. I don't know if I can go, because of the time committments and projects I have already going on. But I had mentioned it to her and she commented that self-and-physical awareness was probably the biggest help in stranger run-ins (the kind we've had so far, as far as I know, at least). As for bad, inappropriate encounters with people we actually know and hang out with...I have no idea...

From MSNBC Health (via AP)
Scientists create human sperm from stem cells
Technique could help infertile men, but other experts doubt research data

Interesting claim. And possible ramifications.

Sorry if I'm deluging your friendlist with articles lately. My life has been very...blah lately. Got the final 2 vaccines needed (Typhoid and H1N1 - I was wrong on Monday about the other Hep shot being done), they hurt so much, did a bank errand, napped, dinner with one of my dad's friends from primary and secondary school and his family at a good seafood restaurant, vomited involuntarily in the restroom (cause I ate too much of the too rich food) and so arms are sore, period still cramping me up and feeling queasy = Izzy being drained.

Yay.

Also, I got some unfortunate family news so blah. Blah.