See, it touched a nerve for me tonight, because I've been talking to my ex an awful lot the past week and he's asked me to meet him. I really want to meet up with him and see how he is. I just want to talk to him. I miss him terribly. I still have feelings for him, feelings I know I shouldn't have after all we put each other through.
I dunno. It all seems so strange and messed up in my head. I've seen boys before him, I've seen boys after him. My feelings for them didn't even extend to the end of our relationships. With this one though, I don't think my feelings ever really subsided .I broke things off because we were in a bad place and it seemed essential for our wellbeing that we ended things.
But now... he's back on track. He's lost weight, he's kicked the drugs, he's got himself a proper job. He's even started running after hearing about how well I'm doing with it. He seems to be making a genuinely concerted effort to right the issues that I had with him. But I don't know how much people can change - will he have kicked the nasty cheating habit? It's possible - the other things he's done will have impacted on his self esteem and that was largely the reason why he cheated - so he felt better about himself.
We've been split up for a year and a half with little to no contact for the most part. It seems stupid to both have feelings for the other. To both still dream about eachother, to think about the what-ifs. the potential marriage, the nice house, the perfect life, all the stupid romantic things we used to do for eachother and have never done for anyone else (valentines day for instance, was a huge deal for us. We'd splash out loads on amazing hotel rooms with spiral staircases and shit... and this year for valentines I shared an 8th with Cliff in front of the TV and we didn't even give eachother cards.)
It's like it's an actual effort to stay apart from him when every part of myself wants a relationship with him... only this time with the maturity that I have gained in the year and a half I have spent on my own. Surely these feeling should have subsided by now? It's been a year and a half so why do I still feel for him. Ugh, I hate emotions, I cannot deal with them half the time.
So yeah. That was why I had a little tantrum about this question tonight. Because I don't know how I feel about the idea you can fall in love with someone twice. It opens up the idea that maybe he was the right person for me, it was just the wrong time for the relationship.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-05-21 11:31 pm (UTC)I dunno. It all seems so strange and messed up in my head. I've seen boys before him, I've seen boys after him. My feelings for them didn't even extend to the end of our relationships. With this one though, I don't think my feelings ever really subsided .I broke things off because we were in a bad place and it seemed essential for our wellbeing that we ended things.
But now... he's back on track. He's lost weight, he's kicked the drugs, he's got himself a proper job. He's even started running after hearing about how well I'm doing with it. He seems to be making a genuinely concerted effort to right the issues that I had with him. But I don't know how much people can change - will he have kicked the nasty cheating habit? It's possible - the other things he's done will have impacted on his self esteem and that was largely the reason why he cheated - so he felt better about himself.
We've been split up for a year and a half with little to no contact for the most part. It seems stupid to both have feelings for the other. To both still dream about eachother, to think about the what-ifs. the potential marriage, the nice house, the perfect life, all the stupid romantic things we used to do for eachother and have never done for anyone else (valentines day for instance, was a huge deal for us. We'd splash out loads on amazing hotel rooms with spiral staircases and shit... and this year for valentines I shared an 8th with Cliff in front of the TV and we didn't even give eachother cards.)
It's like it's an actual effort to stay apart from him when every part of myself wants a relationship with him... only this time with the maturity that I have gained in the year and a half I have spent on my own. Surely these feeling should have subsided by now? It's been a year and a half so why do I still feel for him. Ugh, I hate emotions, I cannot deal with them half the time.
So yeah. That was why I had a little tantrum about this question tonight. Because I don't know how I feel about the idea you can fall in love with someone twice. It opens up the idea that maybe he was the right person for me, it was just the wrong time for the relationship.
Wow. sorry for the rant <3