hani_backup: (Blood siren)
It's basically finding your soulmate when you see them. It doesn't care for age differences. A 17 year can imprint with a 4 year old. The 17 year old just has to wait until the 4 year old grows up.

Or, in Jacob's case, a 17/18 year old can imprint on a newborn baby.

Let someone be the center of the universe, let your self float away! )
How is losing your sense of self admirable? How can making your life revolve around one being someone you yearn for, in a partner?

No doubt Jacob will help raise Renesmee, but I suppose my mind is having a very, very hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he'll have to go from a fatherly/brotherly type of love and support to a, well, romantic type of love and support. Because, ultimately, imprinting is suppose to procure werewolves/offspring/love sex joy joy. I don't understand this transition. I know a few friends who have had friends who've waited until someone is legal before anything physically starts (though emails/texts/chats have not really been non-sexual). That's when the person's still a teenager. This, and other examples, are when the other person is a baby, or a toddler. I just...I get squicked out, to use a phrase from the Internet.

It also bothers me that finding your soulmate, in this universe, means losing your sense of self. It means having the other person become the center of the universe, the gravity of the earth. That's suppose unhealthy and kind of creepy.

Growing up, I've read romance novels or young adult/teen books about romance. It really skewed my expectations for relationships, for males. It joined other factors like observing my parents or sisters or other forms of (mostly Western) media. This before my depression kicked in.

Reading these books and being exposed to the media and my parents hammered home the points:
Bad love/relationship expectations )

Holy fuck, I just thought of the book the fifth point refers to for the first time today in a long fucking time. I can't believe, as a kid, I gobbled up all the romance novels set in the 1500 or 1600's or whatever in Europe/London, you know, with Ton and everything. It was rape. I can't believe I read that book and was completely okay with it whereas I saw Jodie Foster in The Accused and that really stuck with me so much and besides my parents forbidding me to wear short skirts after I got my period (due to religious beliefs), that movie also scared off short skirts.

Was it because one was written and the other was visual? Was it because in one, it was his wife and I was expected to believe the male to have sexual power and knowledge and use it and in the other it was clearly strangers raping Jodie Foster's character? Oh, my God, did I condone what was essentially a rape in one book, by not reacting badly to it?

Even if the setting and time period in the book condones rape or males sexually assaulting their fiancee or wives, I wasn't raised in that period. That book was heavy on victim-blaming and the victim/female taking all the blame for all the fights in the relationship upon her shoulders. I shouldn't have been "okay, cool" and just gone on to the next book.

Oh, God. I feel so bad for reading that book and thinking it was completely okay. Oh, my God, I liked a book that endorses rape-culture.
hani_backup: (Sinfest-never love me)
How weird it is to say that...

Returning upperclassmen moved back onto Beloit College (barring RA's and OL's and other people like that) on Saturday, August 27th. I planned to visit from Saturday to Tuesday sometime. By a lucky coincidence Beth was flying into Midway, which is the closest Van Galder stop to where I was before Saturday. We planned to take the 4pm bus but we managed to meet up at the airport and take the 1:30pm bus because her flight arrived early. Joy!

I stayed with Beth the entire time. I wasn't much help with taking Beth's stuff out of storage. I am a little piddling thing. >_< And she was not on the first floor (and anyway that building had stairs leading up to the first floor). We waited until some of her other friends were free for their help with the other things. While Beth was unpacking I went to see the comedian. On the Saturday everybody else returns, there's a comedian or a hypnotist or something. They're usually college-friendly. People-friendly.

This one definitely was not. She was very crude. She was delayed and she started off with saying the Beloit downtown life was hopping, damn she got hung up on the strippers. >_< And she made fun of an international student because she didn't get a joke/looked blank. The int'l student was from Germany and the comedian said she couldn't think of a single good thing to come out of Germany, except bratwurst. She then asked the student from Germany if she liked bratwurst, but the student was vegetarian. She continued on with some jokes before she made one about CNN delays. You know, like how there's a lag between the on-site reporters and the anchorperson back on set. And she said it was like that, the lag, when she watched the German student. >_< Because it took her a while to get the joke.

I know the way I'm talking about it it doesn't sound offensive. Maybe the fact that I'm - was - an international student myself made me more sensitive to people making stereotypical jokes or those bordering on racism.

Did I mention she was okay making rape jokes? Sexist jokes? Racist jokes? I suppose I'd have to say the only thing she didn't do was make homophobic jokes. She was actually quite pro-homosexuality, being from Arkansas and getting a college degree in a university in the Chicago area. She made fun of other people in her family who were not completely okay with homosexuality.

Mention of the rape joke )

A few guys left. What makes me proud is that the a few of the Phi Psi guys were the first to leave. When they left the comedian joked about that. She was like "Oh, wait! Why are you leaving? I mentioned a rape joke and suddenly you remember you had something to do!"

Anytime anybody left she said they were going off to have sex with hand gestures. Heterosexual -- a circle with her index and thumb on one hand and the other index poking in it. Homosexual males -- the index fingers poking at each other. Homosexual females -- her hands spread in V's and mushing them together. A few guys even ran because they didn't want her to see them and make jokes about them. She said, at one point, "This is why you don't want to leave!"

She made a lot of other horrible jokes. There were one or two that were a little funny - poking at Bush and Harry Potter references - but bleh. What a stupid, heinous, horrible, insensitive comedian. I was on my phone the entire time, texting with people, checking Facebook. I was between big groups of people. I couldn't leave easily. I was in a room later with Beth and some of her friends when the head of the Programming Board came in. She looked miserable and so sorry. People had written on posters advertising the comedian comments like "I've been to funnier funerals." I was a little flabbergasted the comedian wasn't screened as well on the Internet as she could have been. But this is also the same person who organized the I ♥ Female Orgasm in April that I enjoyed. *sigh*

But that was Saturday evening and afterwards I helped Beth put her clothes away in their proper place. It was very reassuring and comforting to have something routine and orderly to do to calm my mind down...

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday )

I couldn't see Lindsay which is :-( Not nice.
hani_backup: (Default)
I was browsing other people's blogs and one of them linked to The Pervocracy's "The People You Meet When You Write About Rape."

It was written October 28, 2010 but I think this list is timeless. It's not exhaustive. I've definitely met some people who fit these categories. ("Unnecessarily tempting" seems to fall under "I'm Not Blaming Her But It's Her Fault" and "Traditional Values.") I think the genders don't matter.

List )
I haven't read all the comments, but it was the usual mix.

Really?

Jun. 13th, 2011 10:46 pm
hani_backup: (Seriously?)
Thomas: I am curious? Did you participate in slutwalk? You don't seem like a slut. :)
  I was readying your facebook update
  it loked like you've been having a good time with people.
 me: I don't seem like a slut? How do you define a slut?
  I wrote a note about Slutwalk Chicago
21:29 Maybe you should read it, first?
 Thomas: I only saw that you had met up with someone after
  I guess I will have to go read it.
  Give me a sec.

9 minutes
21:39 Thomas: Ah, now I understand
  I agree. sexual assault is never anyone's fault except the assaulters
21:40 me: Da.
21:41 Thomas: it seems weird that anyone would think differently
 me: It does.
21:42 Thomas: do you think people wear unnecessarily tempting clothing though?



Thanks... Nice to know I "don't seem like a slut."


me: How is it unnecessarily tempting?
21:43 Thomas: well, when one reveals the most sexual part of themselves they will autmatically set off a biological response in a man.
  Obviously the man has to choose what to do about it.
  but why would the woman want to pester the man with that to begin with.
21:45 me: "why would the woman want to pester the man with that to begin with"? It's perfectly possible that was never her intention .And I don't understand what you mean by "reveals the most sexual part of themselves" What is this "most sexual part of themselves"?
21:46 Thomas: well... either the breasts or the vaginal area
  bikinis
  that sort of stuff
21:47 me: Bikinis?
  What about men's bare chests?

Thomas: I don't think that's cool either
  fyi


If you want to read the rest of it here, cool. He does question this rationally. I don't know if he got heated up on his own end, and that he had better control over how he phrased words and and stuff than me.

I was upset from the first comment of his of me not seeming like a slut, and then, and then, him asking abut females wearing "unnecessarily tempting" clothes. I know, I know he agrees and states several times that it is the man's fault for assaulting the female and not hte victim's fault -- it seems we're generalizing about males assaulting females, at least until the end -- but that whole "temptation" thing just...reeks, still, implicitly of blaming the female. And it reminds me of how I was raised. How I had to watch what I wore in case I tempted men, in case I made them think thoughts.

I'd agree there are times where people can be blamed for the type of thoughts they cause others to think -- primarily emotional abuse comes to mind -- and a few times my answers were simplistic but still, just...to think that, say that, ask that...

Rest of the chat )

And yeah, probably there are statistically more male rapists/sxual assauterls than female ones, but I got confused near the end if we were talking adult-adult or also cindluing children. I know i didn't end hte chat on arational note but...gah. I know it's likely others will read the chat and think I'm really overreacting and that he brings up good points or that he didn't raise his opniionions like an asshole douche and my feelings are blinding me to that. To be fair, he is a little on the conservative side, which is no surpsrised this reminded me of my aprents and how I was raised.

But I sitll feel even if a man's thoughts suddenly veer towards sexually thinking about a woman and that was her intent (because a lot of the times a woman wearing a sundress with a little cleavage doesn't want men to think of her that way or it doesn't even enter her mind but she just want st o dress lightly in the weather), why should that matter?
hani_backup: (Stress - wake up)
Yesterday, Saturday, was Slutwalk Chicago. Several people who said they'd come/were possibly coming didn't get back in touch with me, which was disappointing. Matt did come. He was a bit late, so I walked in the tail-end of the march so he could catch up and find me more easily when he arrived.

It was interesting seeing people's signs and how they dressed up. When I was exiting the Lake station, I was behind a woman in a short strapless leather dress. The bottom of her butt was showing. Walking behind her to the Thompson Center was eye-opening; everybody did a double take and looked at her as she walked by. A man who was walking down the opposite direction changed direction to follow her. *grimace* When we were at the sidewalk across Thompson waiting for the light to change, and she had already crossed, he asked what was happening. Someone told him "Slutwalk Chicago" and he asked what it was. Answers from others ranged from "A protest against rape" "A march against victim blaming" and such. He said "Oh" and didn't cross the street with us. Yes, I inner-sneered at him.

The march started at noon and as I said before, I lagged so Matt could catch up. It was also the same day as the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer so sidewalks were full and traffic was a mess. I kind of felt bad for the cars and other people who were stuck in traffic because of the run and our protest. A few cars/vans/buses honked in support - the peole inside waved - while others, I'm sure, were annoyed. Thank goodness for the police who directed us all. One thing that was disappointing was that an emergency vehicle needed to cross the street and people in the protest ignored the police telling them to stop to let the emergency vehicle through. :( I wasn't there early enough to get the paper handed out with all the chants they were going to go through. One was "Hi-ho, hi-ho! Sexual violence has got to go!" (Or sexual assault.) There were others but now I don't remember...

After the walk was done, Matt and I stopped by Walgreens to get some sunscreen for him and other stuff for me. Then we walked to Printer's Row to check out the stalls, after getting slushies at the 7-Eleven. I couldn't find a lot of booths there selling graphic novels! :'( Too bad. We sat up against a loong brick wall to catch our breath and then got the idea to head to Border's, to check out more recent books. Along the way I steered him into Forever 21. I tried on some shorts and tops but none really fit me right. When we left Forever 21 the sky was darkening and we remembered there was a thunderstorm forecast. Border's was several blocks away so we ran when we were one block away and the rain started falling.

It was rather peaceful in there. After reading 6 graphic novel volumes there on Friday I was a little worried I wouldn't find things to read at Border's but I found a Spike graphic novel and had some Asimov Foundation novels to reread. :-) Matt joined me sitting on the windowsill next to the Religion section and the storm raged outside. We had something to eat and drink at the Seattle's Best there before we got ready to leave to add to Macy's.

Then Matt discovered his keys were gone.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Frantic key hunt )

It was a very exhausting day. We walked 5 miles in yesterday's weather - high of 91.4 Fahrenheit/33 Celsius. >_< My feet and legs ache so much...
hani_backup: (Excuse me?)
*could be triggering*

This was a comment Constable Michael Sanguinetti made during a York University safety forum at Osgoode in Canada way back in January. He has since apologized for the comment. But what he said... It's stupid and insluting and, obviously, victim-blaming.

The comment triggered Toronto's SlutWalk to emerge. While sparked off by one police officer's insensitivie, moronic, stupid, insulting comment, victim-blaming has a much, much longer history.

It's frustrating. It's annoying. It's not a march where women (or men) are all suppose to dress provocatively in low-cut tops and hot pants. Protestors can dress in whatever manner of dress they wish. It's a protest against societal victim-blaming for sexual assault and rape. It's a protest against people thinking how a person dresses makes them "okay" to assault and rape, that they're "asking" for it.

I found out about this while still in school and it's been simmering. This struck a nerve because, like I've mentioned before, I watched The Accused when I was 6 to 8 years old and the attackers in Jodie Foster's character's public gang-rape was not taken to court until she had to personally pursue it with a female lawyer. Because of how she was dressed and acted beforehand. A gray tank, a short skirt, dancing with strangers, was drinking...

I just hate it. I realize that there are some smarter and less smart decisions people can make to decrease the odds of being assaulted, mugged, raped - walking alone in a dark alley instead of lighted streets that may be available, not being aware of your surroundings - but ultimately it is not the victims' decision that makes assault or rape happen.

GOD DAMN IT, IT IS THE MOLESTERS, THE ASSAULTERS, THE RAPISTS WHO DECIDE TO MOLEST, ASSAULT AND RAPE OTHERS. The people are attacked and violated do not ask for it.

(I say "some" because I think most assaulted children believe their victimizers when they're told they have choice, it's the way things are, etc. They sometimes aren't in a position to be able to avoid such circumstances and situations.)

My concern and feelings about this has heightened since going to college. I suppose that makes sense, because my four high schools never really put up posters about assault or rape. Also, in college I had much more opportunity to go to parties. In high school my parents never let me go to any parties that weren't school-sanctioned or held at parents' residences. At college I had the option to go to college parties, even if I didn't go to many. The few times I went alone or with another girl and not my boyfriend (at the time) I always got hit on by other guys or they got handsy. *makes a disgusted face*

It in my final year that I realized the posters around campus were all about how to AVOID BEING A RAPE VICTIM. It was fulll of tips like "Don't leave your cup or drink alone" or "Don't accept a drink that wasn't opened by you" or "Have others with you to make sure nothing happens." There was NOTHING about how to avoid being A RAPIST OR A MOLESTER OR ASSAULTER. Okay, maybe the phrase "Don't rape" won't work well because it seems a lot of rapists don't think what they did was wrong, or it happened in alcohol-induced situations where there are conflicting feelings and stories about what was consensual and what wasn't and things get forgotten. But there has to be something...just something, posters or forums or something about RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE AS HUMANS WHO HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS ABOUT THEIR BODIES AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO WITH IT.

I know several friends have been assaulted/raped on-campus, and I've heard of some of the things their assaulters/rapists have said about them/the situation. Before college, too, I didn't realize how much alcohol can affect the kind of interactions people have with each other. I remember one night where alcohol made things fearful for me.

I'm frustrated with some views I grew up with that made victim-blaming or victim-asking seem explicit or implicit. Don't wear shorts, don't wear sleeveless tops, don't wear shape-showing clothes, don't smile to males strangers, don't be friendly with male strangers, don't wear non full-length skirts, etc, you'll just make yourself seem more available to men and men can't control themselves. That's why we women have to protect ourselves and them from their horn dog tendencies by giving them less temptation. Yadda yadda yoo.

I find that so insulting. To males, females, non-female victims, other genders, everybody.

I'm still angry at myself for not being able to volunteer at SARP (Sexual Assault Recovery Program) back in my college town because I didn't have a license or car so I could drive to the hospital/any place I was needed to help someone advocate for themselves.

Slutwalk has spread around the world. Chicago is having theirs June 4th and I fully intend to go. Again, they don't say you have to dress like a "skank" or a "ho" or a "slut" in order to attend. I doubt I'd wear something much revealing, though I know some people think a tank top paired with jeans or shorts is revealing already. Since it's a lot of walking, sneakers! And maybe my hoodie if the weather will still be chilly then. I wrote a note about it on Facebook and tagged some people when in the library earlier this week. A lot of people can't/won't come because they're too far away from Chicago, busy, or not very interested, but I hope others will participated in the Slutwalks in their area, if there are any. I wish I could go to several others with some friends of mine around this country or world, such as Slutwalk Portland or Slutwalk Spokane. Over the past few weeks, talking about this on the phone with Matt, I've gotten so frustrated and verge of tears or teared up. I know there are other areas of society that some humans don't see other humans as humans - racism, homophobia, sexism, sexual trafficking, emotional manipulation and abuse, a whole lot of places. This is one place I feel passionate about.
hani_backup: (Kushiel (protect & service))
I've started taking my antibiotics and the side effects have made going to class uncomfortable. Also, trying to figure out a good time for taking this antibiotic twice a day, 2 hrs before and after meals/dairy products and "NOT BEFORE BEDTIME" is a lot harder than I thought. Especially with dance rehearsals/classes + side effects to consider.

Today I read [livejournal.com profile] shadesong's entry and followed her link to [livejournal.com profile] bookshop's entry "Bad Romance (or, YA & Rape Culture). I had Hush, Hush on my to-read list because the cover was beautiful and the synopsis on Goodreads.com didn't seem that bad, but reading that entry made me want to kick the book across a muddy field. (I still can't say I want to burn it. I don't know if I've yet reach a point of horror and hatred that I would say I want to burn a book.) That books sound like all the bad, anti-feminist parts of Twilight gone hay-wire. As one commentor said (I think), Twilight idealizes stalking = love, whereas Nora, the main female character in Hush, Hush knows that Patch's stalking is wrong and makes her uncomfortable. Apparently she tries repeatedly to get the bio teacher to change their seating arrangement, but he won't do it, scoffing at her statements she feels uncomfortable (I want to kill him), and she tells Patch, too, but he still pursues her. To the point that somewhere expelicitly in the book she wonders if he's going to rape her. WTF? This has a happy ending, apparently. They fall in love or whatever. Why is this a best seller about teenage love instead of a best-seller about "WHAT LOVE ISN'T" or "WHAT LOVE SHOULDN'T BE"???

But yes, I extremely dislike books where stalking and ignoring someone's request to back off is okay, it's romantic, it's tough-guy. The sought-after person will soon realize you're soulmates and meant for each other. I hate it more when it seems to "work" and the girl (usually it's the girl) falls for the guy in the end. I also hate it when movies have that kind of plotline. I don't care if it's a "cool, suave" guy going after a "bookish" girl, or a "socially awkward boy" going after a "really popular and hot girl" or gender roles reversed with the girl hunting the guy (though I can't really recall that many off the top of my head. I know "John Tucker Must Die" was more about revenge against a guy who played them all...). It doesn't matter if I'm suppose to root for the socially awkward person to win the popular person and show them that "hey, you're really shallow for thinking I'm not worth your time because I'm lower on the social status ladder than you. I'm a person, too, and I'm deep and quirky and treat you better than the shallow significant others [of the same social strata] you've been with." No... If someone tells you they are not interested in you, or shows it very, very obviously, or does not put forth any effort in talking to you, (rather than you cornering them and making them awkwardly talk back to you because you won't freaking let them be quiet), you should respect that. You should not make things awkward and embarrassing for the both of you for continually pursuing said person and coming up with antics that enroach on their personal space and discomfort them. What happened to respect? Over the years those movies have really started to bug me. Romance =/= wearing down someone's resistance and having them capitulate to date you, even if you do have some good qualities.

[livejournal.com profile] bookshop's entry leads to another blog, Fugitivis's "Another post about rape." To basically copy the same sections [livejournal.com profile] bookshop thought relevant:

Cut - social rules females are taught to follow )

She then talks about a scenario of being on a bus and having a guy giving you the eye and two various ways you could react to it - breaking the rules or obeying the rules. This really freaked me out because I remember the one time I was really uncomfortable on a bus to the public library because two guys kept talking at me (Event 3 on the day).

From that day, I wrote:

Cut for longness )

A friend and I were talking about our scary run-ins yesterday. Next week is the start of Sexual Assault Awareness Week here, and there are self-defense classes being offered. I don't know if I can go, because of the time committments and projects I have already going on. But I had mentioned it to her and she commented that self-and-physical awareness was probably the biggest help in stranger run-ins (the kind we've had so far, as far as I know, at least). As for bad, inappropriate encounters with people we actually know and hang out with...I have no idea...

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