hani_backup: (Friends You Can Laugh With)


I miss this girl.  We weren't everyday talkers after we lived apart, after she graduated, after I graduated, but the times we got together every so many months, it was pretty fabulous and we could talk for hours, also on the phone. 

She was my freshman roommate back in college and we spent about 5 hours talking internationally - Alaska, USA to Malaysia - before we got to campus.  She rocks.  She doesn't take bullshit. She's ambitious, straightforward, goal-oriented, has surprising and likable interests and quirks, maybe intimidating initially but she doesn't make you feel awkward.  I cried when we said goodbye after the goodbye dinner at Athena's. That's when it hit me. During dinner, I was a little quiet, more in the observation and soaking in role.  That last weekend, that last Sunday.
hani_backup: (Solitutde)
Summer 2007 when my parents were still living in Romania, I visited them. We went on a road trip through some parts of Central/Eastern Europe. I had thought we only visited Krakov, Poland but apparently we also stopped in Warsaw! Wow, my memory is horrible! We also stopped in Czech Republic, Hungary and passed through Slovakia. I didn't write a lot about the history, though.

I visited Old Town Warsaw last night with a high school friend (last time we saw each other was summer 2005). No wonder it seemed familiar! We ate Polish dumplings and he saw me the Polish Mint with its fences of bullet holes. It was pretty neat.

Here's the previousy entry. (Warning: near the end it mentions my then-boyfriend.)
hani_backup: (Blood siren)
It's basically finding your soulmate when you see them. It doesn't care for age differences. A 17 year can imprint with a 4 year old. The 17 year old just has to wait until the 4 year old grows up.

Or, in Jacob's case, a 17/18 year old can imprint on a newborn baby.

Let someone be the center of the universe, let your self float away! )
How is losing your sense of self admirable? How can making your life revolve around one being someone you yearn for, in a partner?

No doubt Jacob will help raise Renesmee, but I suppose my mind is having a very, very hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he'll have to go from a fatherly/brotherly type of love and support to a, well, romantic type of love and support. Because, ultimately, imprinting is suppose to procure werewolves/offspring/love sex joy joy. I don't understand this transition. I know a few friends who have had friends who've waited until someone is legal before anything physically starts (though emails/texts/chats have not really been non-sexual). That's when the person's still a teenager. This, and other examples, are when the other person is a baby, or a toddler. I just...I get squicked out, to use a phrase from the Internet.

It also bothers me that finding your soulmate, in this universe, means losing your sense of self. It means having the other person become the center of the universe, the gravity of the earth. That's suppose unhealthy and kind of creepy.

Growing up, I've read romance novels or young adult/teen books about romance. It really skewed my expectations for relationships, for males. It joined other factors like observing my parents or sisters or other forms of (mostly Western) media. This before my depression kicked in.

Reading these books and being exposed to the media and my parents hammered home the points:
Bad love/relationship expectations )

Holy fuck, I just thought of the book the fifth point refers to for the first time today in a long fucking time. I can't believe, as a kid, I gobbled up all the romance novels set in the 1500 or 1600's or whatever in Europe/London, you know, with Ton and everything. It was rape. I can't believe I read that book and was completely okay with it whereas I saw Jodie Foster in The Accused and that really stuck with me so much and besides my parents forbidding me to wear short skirts after I got my period (due to religious beliefs), that movie also scared off short skirts.

Was it because one was written and the other was visual? Was it because in one, it was his wife and I was expected to believe the male to have sexual power and knowledge and use it and in the other it was clearly strangers raping Jodie Foster's character? Oh, my God, did I condone what was essentially a rape in one book, by not reacting badly to it?

Even if the setting and time period in the book condones rape or males sexually assaulting their fiancee or wives, I wasn't raised in that period. That book was heavy on victim-blaming and the victim/female taking all the blame for all the fights in the relationship upon her shoulders. I shouldn't have been "okay, cool" and just gone on to the next book.

Oh, God. I feel so bad for reading that book and thinking it was completely okay. Oh, my God, I liked a book that endorses rape-culture.

B-Mo

Aug. 22nd, 2012 10:45 pm
hani_backup: (Solitutde)
I've never seen Adventure Time but Matt and his brother are big fans of it. Upon unpacking my luggage I found out I accidentally packed Matt's B-Mo shirt! The day before I left I had done a pile of laundry and since my dirty clothes were too small for me to justify running it and using all that water and detergent and electricity, I added some of his clothes. I thought I had sorted them out afterwards, upon the folding of said clothes, but I guess not!

He wore this shirt one day in Vegas and got a lot of comments from others! Unsurprisingly, the comments were mainly made in Excalibur or the Luxor, and the comments were mainly from kids and teenagers and young adults.

I've worn it several times to sleep so here's the shirt after a shower in the late afternoon. It's quite big on me.



And a close up!B-Mo shirt! )

When I first saw the shirt, I thought it was some kind of Nintendo character or something. I was semi-close!
hani_backup: ("hushedwee")

Wore my ears while packing. it's therapeutic. Happier memories, when leaving wasn't something we thought of.

Now we're struggling with Catharine. She's a hard one to pass by and she's an icy bitch right now. In a wedding dress.

hani_backup: (Friends You Can Laugh With)

Ticket, Please

What is your favorite vacation spot in the world and why do you love it so much -- is it the activities, the people, the sheer beauty, etc? Would you live there full time if you could, or do you prefer to keep it as a special treat?

~*~*~*~

 I wish I do have a favorite vacation spot in the world.  I've never visited any one place often enough (that wasn't my home country) to count as a 'vacation spot.' There have been vacations I've enjoyed but never that I felt like visiting again.  Well, I visited a friend once in Spokane and that was a delightful visit.  Horsies.  Kitties.  Doggie.  (Yes, I become infantile when horsies are around.)  I'd like to see her again, before I leave...  But I guess I wouldn't consider it a "vacation" spot but rather a place and person I loved visiting and would love to see again...  
hani_backup: (moon)
Earlier this week I was talking with someone about our births.  I was musing over the fact that I felt I should have been bigger and taller than I currently am, if only because both my sisters are taller than my mom whereas I'm the shortest in the family.  I then told them about what my mom had told me: That there was something wrong with her/my placenta during her pregnancy of me so I didn't get all of the nutrients I should have had from all the food she eating.  There was a possibility also of the oxygen uptake and gas exchange (O2, CO2) not being optimal.

I knew already that my conversing partner was 10 pounds 4 ounces (10.25lbs/4.6493 kg).  That's really big for an infant!  The nurses bought their mother flowers, out of sympathy.. They were born with the umbilical cord around their neck. Thankfully they were delivered with a C-section, which made it easier to ease the umbilical off.

I was born very small though I didn't know how much I weighed at birth.  I stayed in the incubator for 26 days afterwards which doesn't seem a long time to me, but I was told it was a long time by the other person's standards. I don't know how different hospitalized neonatal care is in Malaysia and other countries.

This ignorance of my birth weight led me to text my mother and ask her.  Apparently I was 1.5 kg. In American terms, that 3.3lbs/3 pounds 4.8 ounces!  I was about a third of the other person's baby weight!  We didn't know what the ranges were for underweight, normal, and large babies were besides our vague notion that double digit pound babies are huge.  They Googled something like 3.3lbs baby and found that I was on the cusp of underweight-very/extremely underweight baby or very low birthweight for some sites

My mom texted me that  I was not a premature baby and went to full term.  I had a vague notion about that, just from my mom once telling me that I "didn't want to leave" and that one of my sisters were "eager to leave."  She also mentioned again something being wrong with the placenta. Her remark led me to Googling some terms I can't remember now but led me to intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). 

According to PubMed:

Intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR) refers to the poor growth of a baby while in the mother's womb during pregnancy. Specifically, it means the developing baby weights less than 90% of other babies at the same gestational age.

More )

I don't know if the doctor gave this as a possibility to my mom.  I have no idea what was wrong with the placenta, if there was a name for it. My dad's told me my head seemed big for my body and it was all "floppy" but baby's necks are too weak to support the head, anyway.  I didn't get passive antibodies from my mother, spread through breastmilk, because I was fed on formula.  I didn't react well to something in her breastmilk, a sensitivity to something.

I don't know if I would ever have children.  Maybe?  Maybe not.  I know I can expect a small baby, if not hope for a small baby!  My mom, after giving birth to all of us, was pretty thin, judging from the photos and some of her post-pregnancy clothes I tried on.  (Like clothes from when we lived in NYC when I was 11 months old.)  She got married when she was 23 years old and I can't fit in her wedding outfit; she was that slim.  I do have a different body shape from my sisters and my mom, though.  One of my older sisters could fit in her wedding outfit, at least back in high school.  My mom was pretty athletic all through primary and secondary school. She likes to take long walks when she can.

On a funny note, my mom texted me that my older sisters were 5 and 5.5 kilos.  That's 11lbs and 12.1lbs, respectively!  That's bigger than the person I was talking with, and their mother was far taller than my mother!  I texted her back, saying that was heavy and she said, no, it's normal and I responded, no, I don't think so.  Then she replied and said that she got it wrong, they were 5 and 5.5 pounds at birth, not kilograms! Whew, what a relief!

Three years

Mar. 8th, 2012 07:33 pm
hani_backup: ("Romance")
Yesterday, March 7, 2012, was three years for Matt and I. Exclusively. We dated for several months beforehand.

Photo montage!

Boop )

I think we took a picture last night but I haven't the foggiest idea where my camera is. >_< I don't even remember what we did our first year anniversary. Mmmm...
hani_backup: (Xena - white dress)
Trivially, I miss having access to a gym. Summer 2010 I worked out several times a week, with weights mostly. The following academic year there I didn't work out much at all. The previous academic years I didn't exercise at all.

I know I lack the will-power to exercise now. I haven't done any since graduating. There have been no stretches, resistance training, warm-ups. I've done about a week's worth of warm up stretches when I had intense back pain, for rehab purposes. I did one or two days of exercises with Matt. I use the excuse of not having access to a gym, not having money for a gym membership, the cold weather, the busy schedule, not having enough sleep, to not do any serious exercise.

I know some people prefer a more spontaneous and explosive work out, such as Zumba (I believe it's like dancing?) or running outside or basketball. I wouldn't mind basketball, but I like working out in a gym, by myself. With my mp3 music. It's a time to reflect and just lose myself in the music, in the muscles, in my breath. I can be alone with a book, watching something, and my mind is somewhat quiet, but it's not quite the same.

I miss the little extra strength I had a year and a hall. That summer my digestive issues weren't as bad, either, for whatever reason. I think I had more carrots and fruits, and water. That BRITA filter saved my life. I miss having abdominal muscles that show. I do miss looking how I did when we went to Disney World...

Picture )
hani_backup: (Solitutde)
[Error: unknown template qotd]Dear you,

It's been more than a decade since we last saw each other in person. Or even spoken online. We're Facebook acquaintances but I rarely comment on your profile/pictures and you rarely on mine. If ever we have.

Wow, that makes Facebook friendship feature even creepier. Yet useful. But I'd prefer if I could see it for myself and friends instead of third-parties seeing connections, too.

Just checked. No comments, wall posts. Just 3 likes in common. And we've been friends since June 2007. Not even the random, out-of-the-blue birthday posts. Your birthday was last week. I haven't wished anybody on Facebook happy birthday in the past few weeks, but we've never wished each other happy birthday.

Regarding the past, I wasn't nice to you that day. I snapped and didn't keep control of what I said or how I said it. Remembering how you looked and the formal civility between us in the ensuing two years...

I'm sorry I wasn't appreciative of your situation at that time, nor sensitive. I should've been sensitive and developed some empathy by that time in our lives. We were in elementary school and children can be cruel, but children can also be very open-hearted and generous and I wasn't with you, then. I also should have been sensitive because that's part of who we are. Because of how I reacted, I am more sensitive about being in your position and my position in the past years.

I don't know if you think about it. I don't know if it made a big impact on your psyche. I don't know if you even remember it. I was wrong and rude.

I'm sorry.
hani_backup: (Books first)
[Error: unknown template qotd]In not particular order of importance or priority but just done chronologically for simplicity's sake,

1) The Giver by Lois Lowry. I had moved in the middle of 4th grade to another school, another country and my home room teacher read to us every week. Two other books she read was Hatchet by Gary Paulsen which I didn't particularly enjoy and So Far From the Bamboo Grove by Yoko Kawashima Watkins  which I also adored. The Giver stuck in my mind because it was the first dystopian book I knew of and the writing was so simple but it raised all these questions about ways of living, conformity, pain, love, humanity, whether or not breaking the rules for the "greater good" (or so) was worth it, interacting with other people, independence. Every time a teacher hands out a survey asking for our favorite book, I write down The Giver, even in college. I do think almost everybody would find something in there that resonates with them, even if they are totally for conformity or live in a strict culture/community. I wasn't a big fan of the two sequels, but they did complete the story.

2) The first six books of Piers Anthony's eight-book Incarnations of Immortality series. In this series there are various offices of life and normal people are invited to take the office. On a Pale Horse is about Death, Bearing an Hourglass Time, With a Tangled Skein the three Aspects of Fate, Wielding a Red Sword about War, Being a Green Mother about Mother Nature, and For the Love of Evil about the office of Satan (book 7 about the office of God). The stories are intertwined, all the main characters affect or touch upon the world and work of the other Aspects by love or family. It's not confusing, though, if read in a series. It's set in a world where magic and science co-exist.

The reason I loved the first five books was because it really opened my mind to possible society and interactions between people. But grown-up interactions, which The Giver doesn't cover. While at the time - I was 13-15 years old - I wasn't experienced with relationships and physical intimacy, it gave me something to think. Also, thinking of Death, Nature, Fate, Time, War and Satan as mutable offices was fascinating, since I was raised in an organized religion household. I suppose my parents wouldn't be happy knowing that, yes, books were a factor in my growing doubts about the religion they raised me.

3) Mmmmm... I would have to say the series The Mage Storms by Mercedes Lackey. They definitely weren't the first books by Lackey I read but they reinforced the idea that competing, conflicting and multiple religions can co-exist on one world/one plane of reality without too much bloodshed. Also that old feuding nations can work together. Storm Warning, Storm Rising and Storm Breaking center on very powerful magical storms disrupting and changing magic and the physical world, as a consequence of magical devices used centuries ago. Ambassadors and envoys from different nations and rivals with different religious beliefs come together to face the storms and try to find a way to divert them or protect settlements. There's also the factor of an army in Hardorn, the neighboring country to Valdemar (with their Companions) and possibly threatening Valdemar. Also, old enemies rear their heads up.

I'm not very good at describing the plot.... At that time I believed in tolerance for religion but it was hard to feel it because of my family so it was nice to see it played out in series and in a way that made freaking sense. I still don't believe in a religion but I hope there aren't multiple supernatural beings who truly believe we should kill others for their beliefs and non-belief in them...
hani_backup: (Default)
The last time I did this meme was a few years ago but still a Friday in September. As close to anniversaries as possible! Rewind and I hope some answers have changed. FYI/warning: this meme asks about memories, relationships (past and current), friends, daily life, interests among other stuff.

Meme, take two! )

I don't have interest in finishing this Ergo Proxy 1 Disc from Netflix. I really, really should. A llot of my downloadable library items will expire tomorrow and there's no way I can finish listening to (several) of them in time.

Darn.
hani_backup: (Sinfest-never love me)
How weird it is to say that...

Returning upperclassmen moved back onto Beloit College (barring RA's and OL's and other people like that) on Saturday, August 27th. I planned to visit from Saturday to Tuesday sometime. By a lucky coincidence Beth was flying into Midway, which is the closest Van Galder stop to where I was before Saturday. We planned to take the 4pm bus but we managed to meet up at the airport and take the 1:30pm bus because her flight arrived early. Joy!

I stayed with Beth the entire time. I wasn't much help with taking Beth's stuff out of storage. I am a little piddling thing. >_< And she was not on the first floor (and anyway that building had stairs leading up to the first floor). We waited until some of her other friends were free for their help with the other things. While Beth was unpacking I went to see the comedian. On the Saturday everybody else returns, there's a comedian or a hypnotist or something. They're usually college-friendly. People-friendly.

This one definitely was not. She was very crude. She was delayed and she started off with saying the Beloit downtown life was hopping, damn she got hung up on the strippers. >_< And she made fun of an international student because she didn't get a joke/looked blank. The int'l student was from Germany and the comedian said she couldn't think of a single good thing to come out of Germany, except bratwurst. She then asked the student from Germany if she liked bratwurst, but the student was vegetarian. She continued on with some jokes before she made one about CNN delays. You know, like how there's a lag between the on-site reporters and the anchorperson back on set. And she said it was like that, the lag, when she watched the German student. >_< Because it took her a while to get the joke.

I know the way I'm talking about it it doesn't sound offensive. Maybe the fact that I'm - was - an international student myself made me more sensitive to people making stereotypical jokes or those bordering on racism.

Did I mention she was okay making rape jokes? Sexist jokes? Racist jokes? I suppose I'd have to say the only thing she didn't do was make homophobic jokes. She was actually quite pro-homosexuality, being from Arkansas and getting a college degree in a university in the Chicago area. She made fun of other people in her family who were not completely okay with homosexuality.

Mention of the rape joke )

A few guys left. What makes me proud is that the a few of the Phi Psi guys were the first to leave. When they left the comedian joked about that. She was like "Oh, wait! Why are you leaving? I mentioned a rape joke and suddenly you remember you had something to do!"

Anytime anybody left she said they were going off to have sex with hand gestures. Heterosexual -- a circle with her index and thumb on one hand and the other index poking in it. Homosexual males -- the index fingers poking at each other. Homosexual females -- her hands spread in V's and mushing them together. A few guys even ran because they didn't want her to see them and make jokes about them. She said, at one point, "This is why you don't want to leave!"

She made a lot of other horrible jokes. There were one or two that were a little funny - poking at Bush and Harry Potter references - but bleh. What a stupid, heinous, horrible, insensitive comedian. I was on my phone the entire time, texting with people, checking Facebook. I was between big groups of people. I couldn't leave easily. I was in a room later with Beth and some of her friends when the head of the Programming Board came in. She looked miserable and so sorry. People had written on posters advertising the comedian comments like "I've been to funnier funerals." I was a little flabbergasted the comedian wasn't screened as well on the Internet as she could have been. But this is also the same person who organized the I ♥ Female Orgasm in April that I enjoyed. *sigh*

But that was Saturday evening and afterwards I helped Beth put her clothes away in their proper place. It was very reassuring and comforting to have something routine and orderly to do to calm my mind down...

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday )

I couldn't see Lindsay which is :-( Not nice.

Color quiz

Sep. 1st, 2011 11:42 pm
hani_backup: (Default)
you are darkslateblue
#483D8B

Your dominant hue is blue, making you a good friend who people love and trust. You're good in social situations and want to fit in. Just be careful not to compromise who you are to make them happy.

Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it.

Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.
the spacefem.com html color quiz

This was ganked from [livejournal.com profile] unico_love. I like blue... The list of words was very hard to pick because I can be very loud, and other times I can be very shy and quiet...  I am not good in social situations unless it's a small group of people I already know. But I do, sometimes, want to fit in, or at least not be thought of as the sad loner. (Someone told me at Matt's brother's party in June that he noticed I didn't talk to anybody and I was all alone and that that was depressing. :S Gee, thanks. That just made me more socially anxious. Figures he was a journalism major and liked talking to random strangers.)

Yeah, I'm not very decisive. Sometimes when I'm stuck between two items I buy both... (If they're cheap enough.) Pfft. If the world could change enough to let me have a job and stay in the US indefinitely, that'd be fantastic! Silly visa laws...  I'm not so sure about the flexibilty and seeing things objectively... Obviously it's easier to see a situation I'm outside of objectively. Though sometimes after a fight I can see the person's perspective. That can be good - I understand where they're coming from - or bad - I see what I did wrong and I beat myself up with guilt.
hani_backup: (Anne Stokes - Dragon)
The last time I posted on LiveJournal/InsaneJournal was August 7th, Sunday. Later, at around midnight after I broke fast and continued snacking and drinking water - ever since I was little I've thought of water as the elixir of life and when you're fasting/dehydrated it absolutely is - Matt and I found a scale in their house and I weighed myself. I was a little less than the absolute limit we set up a few years ago when I tried fasting, so I went "Oh, well! I should stop fasting!" Looking back I think I was a little too cavalier, and gave up too easily. Especially after I found an article about a high school American football player in Florida who continues to go to practices in full gear while fasting. It's good for him his coaches watch him for symptoms of heat stroke/heat exhaustion and the practices were moved to 7am in hopes it'd help the player avoid the heat. Though their games are still in the afternoon, I believe. I was talking about it to Matt and mentioned the football player was 265lbs after losing 10lbs after 9 or so days of fasting and Matt said "He must be a linebacker!" I have no idea what a linebacker is or any football positions but I guess they're the ones who attack the opposing players. I know more about European football than American football. So I went back to the apartment and was happy to be able to eat food and drink water whenever I wanted. And eat my ice cream. I celebrated by buying ice cream, yeah. :P I don't remember what I did the days I was back in the apartment, though I think I started feeling like I wanted to be alone... I did visit Matt the following Friday - he picked me up - and we watched two movies that evening with his family/some of them.

Source Code, Adjustment Bureau, relationships )

Museum visit, migraine, Paprika movie )

Then the next Sunday we had a brief driving lesson in a smallish high school parking lot. :( We were out at noon or something so that was understandable we couldn't find a more deserted area. I still didn't get on the road, and acceleration was scary... I think I went up to 8mph...

The work week was a little WTF and multiple breakdowns.

Saturday - there was free medical check up, dental (extraction, cleaning, filling) and vision (prescription, pressure check, dilation check, glaucoma, free frames - you get free complete glasses with prescription lenses if you got there early enough) offered by Remote Area Medical. Matt and I got there around 5:45am after waking up at 4am for shower (him) and breakfast and to drive there. Doors open at 5:30am. My number was 503. Apparently they started handing out numbers at 3:30am! I got into the building at 10am. I got into vision at 10:30am and was done around 1:15pm. I waited for dental but within being 20 people of getting in they started turning people away who had already gotten something else done. :-( SO CLOSE! I left around 5pm and got back to Matt's at 6pm. More than 12 hours of waiting - Matt had to leave around 9am because he had to help his brother move furniture - with about 4 hours of sleep. I still haven't slept long and well since Friday night. A lot of the people there were also students. I had both an optometry student and an optometrist inspect my eyes. My vision sucks.

Today I primed for the first time! And swung on a rope. And played Mario Galaxy. We had a full day of eating, too. Sausages, eggs, watermelon, musk melon, chicken cajun-cheese-mayo sandwich, more watermelon, musk, mango, chicken enchilada, lettuce, salsa, watermelon, musk, mango. YUMMY. Oh and there's corn leftovers. ♥

Thanks, too, to people I talked to amidst crises moments, who put aside time to talk to me/call. ♥
hani_backup: (Xena -- Gabby writing)
So survey time

Asks birthdays, relationships, friends, drinking, memories, stuff like that.

Cause it's loong )

A- Age of your first kiss: 14 and a half
B- Band you are listening to right now: Watching Psych on Netflix, not listening to music...
C- Crush: My current boyfriend! :P But I don't have a crush on him now; I'm in love with him.
D- Drink you had last: Chilled water!
E- Easiest person to talk to: Matt or Beth or Hana F, on the phone
F- Favorite ice cream: Oooh, cookies 'n' cream or Safeway Select Brownie with Moose Tracks (new favorite)
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Bears for sure!
H- Height: 5'1"
I- Instruments: In 5th, 6th and 8th-10th grades I played the euphonium
J- Junk food: All of them. :P Fruit Roll Up, Fruit Gushers, Cookies 'n' Cream Chewy bars, Cheese Doritoes
K- Kids: I don't know if I wanna have kids....
L- Longest car/bus ride: Car ride - summer 2007, from Budapest to Bucharest
M- Mom's name: Yeah, not going to say...
N- Nicknames: Izzy, Chipmunk, Midget
O- One wish: To find a job so I can stay in the US
P- Phobia: Roaches, creepy crawly things
Q- Quote: "Not everything is wrong. Even a broken clock is right two times a day."
R- Reasons to smile: Hanging out with friends, heat, music, being outside in good weather
S- Shoe size: 5, 5 1/2
T- Time you woke up today: I haven't slept yet but I got out of bed around 11am Monday morning
U- Unknown fact about me: I used to cut my Barbie's hair thinking it'd regrow
V- Vegetables: My favorites are carrots and spinach. I hate brussel sprouts.
W- Worst Habit: Procrastination.
X- X-rays you've had: Both ankles, chest (for TB)
Y - Years since you've been to church/synogogue: My family is Muslim. But I did visit a church for a class assignment in 2007...
Z- Zodiac sign: Gemini!!!!
hani_backup: (Seriously?)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

It was for my International Baccalaureate English class.

I entered that school and program March 2004 and had to play catch up with some classes. Before I came in, they'd finished two books, one of which was Like Water for Chocolate.

We watched the film adaptation. I don't remember if it was in 11th or 12th grade but, my goodness, I hated the movie. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. I didn't like the book that much, either. Granted, Like Water for Chocolate and One Hundred Years of Solitude (I came in the middle of that book) were my first introduction to magical realism, but...gah. Like Water for Chocolate, the movie,  was just horrifyingly heinous.

Maybe if I had been there for the book discussion I would have enjoyed it before, or gotten more out of the experience like I did for One Hundred Years. I don't know. If I have a choice I will never watch that movie again, or read the book. Why do people like it (the book and/or the movie) so much...
hani_backup: ("spider")
I know when we're angry our filter between thoughts and mouth can get really porous. (I think it's harder to forgive someone for hurting you and insulting you when they've actually thought it through.)

I also know that most people react very badly when they think they're being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed or threatened or given an ultimatum.

I got reminded of something when I looking up old emails with someone. I was trying to find a link they had sent about their volunteer work and found part of the following email. For some reason, until I reread this email, I had completely forgotten Nathaniel, in a response to thinking I was threatening him with cutting myself unless he kept his promises, told me to "fucking cut [myself] you bitch".

I don't like emotional blackmail, doing it or being a recipient of it. I had hoped I would keep my issues down enough that my partner wouldn't feel that way or that they'd give me enough credit to at least try to tell me if they're upset even though they know I don't respond very well to stressful situations. 2008 was the year I got sick, couldn't keep down food and lost weight to 79lbs. It took me the winter break between 2008 and 2009 to weigh more than 90lbs. I can see it from the other person's perspective, too. That even if the mentally ill/mentally unstable person didn't explicitly threaten, you're aware of the risk of saying something they're not quite ready to handle with but you can't hold in anymore and they react in a self-harming way so sometimes you censor yourself. But you also don't want to be held hostage to it.

I got really upset when I read the email I wrote my friend and the chat log (I use AIM through GMail). I called Matt and asked him if he'd ever felt like I was emotionally blackmailing him or he felt pressured or threatened or obligated in any way due to my self-harm. He said he's aware that I've gotten back to self-harming in moments of high distress, how can he not be aware of it, but also that he doesn't spare me. We had a big argument Saturday night - spent hours on the phone - and he said he didn't spare me then and he thinks I would have been insulted if I knew he was thinking of sparing me or have in the past. I would have, if I had known. He said he was aware of the risk that I may cut during/after the argument (not going to lie, I thought about it) but we had to fight out the issue. We're fine now and he's coming up tomorrow. :) But, yes, I'm glad he didn't spare me.

We've had several low blows in our 2-year relationship but nothing to that degree, I think, where we really prick into the other's sensitivities and vulnerabilities. We both can use sarcasm. It may still come and slip out. And if it does, well, I know that'd really hurt. It hurts anytime. But I really hope, even in the red-hot moment of rage, that I'd have enough self-control to not reach in that bag of "really really sensitive stuff almost to the point of unforgivable or forgivable only after a looooong time." Or I'd even forget what his sensitivities were and just fight about whatever we were fighting and try to put the blame all on his side. >_<

Way back in February 2008 )
hani_backup: (Pondering)
Kyle also took this class a few years ago with the same professor. I wonder what he wrote. I remember reading one of his poems, based on sensations, and there was another poem based on a color. I think Kyle chose "white" and talked about sambuca. I wonder if the professor will stick to the same assignments...

For the first one:

Mini-memoir: Bring four copies for workship on TH.

I'm thinking of this as assignment as "memoir as a series of snapshots of short films." You don't need to worry about creating a story at this point, or about whether or not the "snapshot" fit together. Hopefully this assignment will lead you to your longer nonfiction essay: this is practice and exploration time. Your goal is to create (re/create) part of the world you grew up in, to make that world tangible to readers. How do you do that? Assignment description )



I will admit some visceral dislike to this "place you grew up in/hometown" theme/question. The Ice-Breaker exercise on the first day of class was interviewing another student. Two of the questions on the handout were "What is your hometown? How would you describe it?" >_> My simple answer was "Malaysia. Hot, humid, delicious food."

Then, the next class we had an in-class assignment of writing "what we were made of" based on our hometown and poet Linda Gregg's describing what she's "made of" of where she grew up. (As an example of writing concrete images.) Excerpt ) I know the professor told us to avoid generalizations or abstract concepts but the first thing I wrote was "I am made of uncertainty built upon..." Grand abstract concept, that, "uncertainty." I envy Linda Gregg for having such vivid memories of a home-town.

Frequent rant, I know. I don't know if a lot of people take it for granted, having a sense and feel of "home" and memories of a school and/or a residence that's more than 3 years, but sometimes I feel they do. They don't really see how lucky they are. Even as they grow older and have different homes where they live with roommates, partners, spouse, family, pets, whatever, they still have a "home" with Mom and Dad (or whatever arrangement of parents and siblings there are). I can't imagine what it feels like moving out from a house you'd lived in for 16-18 years, or living/leaving in a house that's been in your family for generations. I can't fully empathize with the feeling of that kind of broken attachment. I can definitely empathize with the hassle of packing and unpacking, and some of the missing-home/homesickness, but I imagine my magnitude and degree of missing-home is different from theirs.

I also know there are a lot of variance in people's home situations. I'm describing an "ideal" childhood home life where there was no moving, a steady physical thing as a "home" where the parents don't move after the children move out, until they're old or in assisted living, where they can go back for (family) holidays, etc.
~End rant this particular time~

We did some in-class scribbling after she gave us the assignment. I have two memories I know I want to do, but I'm a little uncertain about the third one. And which question I'm answering -- three incidents involving moving, or three settings regarding the place(s) I grew up. *shrug*

We'll see how it goes, eh?

Oh, right! Please excuse typos for the assignment. I re-typed it from the handout she gave us (instead of copying and pasting it from Moodle) and my typing skills aren't fantastic now.
hani_backup: ("mirror")
Today, when I signed in earlier on MSN/Live Messenger, the article "8 Reasons He Cheats" was featured. After yesterday's article, this one was an additional shock to the memory system. Much hate. Hate.

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