It's been a long while. There are so many things to be grateful for, beginning with very basic physical survival skills like having all my five senses working, even if they're not as humanly optimal as they could be. Genetics and my own shoddy taking-care-of-myself, yep. But things like being able to walk around are happy things. My body isn't (yet) at a point when I can't handle a pair of stairs if I wanted to and while I may grouse at walking 30 minutes because of bad weather or inappropriate sandals/shoes, I usually don't back away from it for physical reasons unless I'm really tired or carrying heavy things around. I can eat solid food and foods with lactose, gluten... I don't have food allergies that I know of though I should keep everything moderate. Even though I don't have insurance - scary
- so far I haven't had to visit a doctor/psychiatrist or psychologist. I can think and understand most things around me, even if I am a little slow on the uptake or too literal or too scared to trust my own thinking and so ask a million questions.
Then there are the "essentials needs" like clothes, shelter, food, water. I have all this. Even when I lived by myself and had a bad diet, I still had potential and resources for a good diet. I have access to drinkable water. I am under a roof. I don't have my winter stuff with me so I'm currently freezing in this abrupt autumn, but that's because they're in storage. We'll get them next weekend, here's hoping.
Then there are the needs of touch and companionship which I do have. I don't have as many people to talk to in person as readily as when I was on campus, but I do have access to the Internet and there's the possibility of mashing schedules together to make something work. This weekend is Homecoming weekend; Matt and I are going back. Weird being an alum, still. Even though I've been withdrawn people do reach out from time to time and ask me how I'm doing, regardless if I reply immediately.
I have a part-time job of sorts (it's kind of like work for room and board) and promising volunteer experiences. Next week I meet a graduate student at University of Chicago's Human Behavioral Pharmacology Laboratory
(website isn't quite up to date as the graduate student I'm to meet isn't up there) to be a volunteer research assistant, an orientation of sorts and to meet others helping with the study. I also have a volunteer orientation set at Easter Seals
, though there I'm more clerical volunteer and background because I don't have the right certification or experience to be in the classroom. (I had to get a physical and background check done to volunteer with the Illinois Department Children & Family Services.)
My family, last I know, are doing okay. There was a bit of a scare earlier this week - some hospital stays - but they're better now. Oh. My eldest sister is pregnant again. I found out near the end of August so I think she's maybe...12 weeks along now? It was surprising to me because I still haven't met her first child so it seems so quick! It also hurts a bit that her daughter is growing up and going through a lot of firsts and we (her two aunts) weren't there to see them or celebrate later in person. My niece turned 2 years old recently. We're strangers to her and she to us, though we get pictures now and then and news from our parents when they visit her. A lot of my aunts and uncles and cousins are strangers to me; I suppose the cycle continues, with the continental distances.
What sucks about having (as in being diagnosed with it, not just the temporary episodes that occurs normally) depression is that no matter how many good things are going in your life, you still feel, well, depressed. I don't think it's as simple as "thinking out of it" but I hope I have enough fortitude not to continue being self-hating when I see how many people have found employment - via Facebook or alumni notices from high school or college. I know I'm capable of employment which makes it more frustrating, and I don't find jobs like customer service or dishwashing below me. And sometimes there doesn't seem to be a concrete event sparking my depression.
I know I will be a bit of an emotional mess visiting Beloit again, going by last time's visit, but hey - ballroom dance! My shoes are in storage but heh, I'm fine dancing ballroom bare-feet. There's also a possible Apple Hut visit with apple cider donuts. Yum yum.
My memory is bad and I'm still literal enough to do a list for each day and making them specific to events or revelations, so for Thursday and Friday what I remember...Thursday, September 29
1. Got safely across the city via train and bus
2. A new system/background for doing insurance statements because the last one was a little ZOMG.
3. Pot roast! Or is it roast pot? No, it's pot roast...
4. Found some things I thought I lost
5. Made kek batik with Matt
6. Finished a freaking
awesome book - The Girl With No Hands (and other tales)
by Angela SlatterFriday, September 30
1. Found out what was wrong with the fridge.
2. Meatball marinara Subway
3. Chicken for dinner and green grapes and strawberries for dessert (there were also artichokes but not a fan)
4. A great Fleet Foxes performance though some concert-goers were not courteous
5. No stress with trying to find parking or getting there and back. Whew.
6. Disney Pixar stamps.