In Poland

Aug. 10th, 2012 11:32 pm
hani_backup: ("hushed")
Reached here safely.  Am using my parents' computer (with a non-genuine copy of Windows so I'm not willing to use GMail or other email services or bank stuff or Amazon or anything with sensitivity).  My mom doesn't know the passcode to the wireless router here so I can't use the Internet on my laptop!  Will try to rectify this in a few days.  (The next few days are busy.)

Will say, this feels unreal.  Much crying prior, at, and after the airport. 


Oct. 1st, 2011 04:58 am
hani_backup: (Dark angel)
It's been a long while. There are so many things to be grateful for, beginning with very basic physical survival skills like having all my five senses working, even if they're not as humanly optimal as they could be. Genetics and my own shoddy taking-care-of-myself, yep. But things like being able to walk around are happy things. My body isn't (yet) at a point when I can't handle a pair of stairs if I wanted to and while I may grouse at walking 30 minutes because of bad weather or inappropriate sandals/shoes, I usually don't back away from it for physical reasons unless I'm really tired or carrying heavy things around. I can eat solid food and foods with lactose, gluten... I don't have food allergies that I know of though I should keep everything moderate. Even though I don't have insurance - scary - so far I haven't had to visit a doctor/psychiatrist or psychologist. I can think and understand most things around me, even if I am a little slow on the uptake or too literal or too scared to trust my own thinking and so ask a million questions.

Then there are the "essentials needs" like clothes, shelter, food, water. I have all this. Even when I lived by myself and had a bad diet, I still had potential and resources for a good diet. I have access to drinkable water. I am under a roof. I don't have my winter stuff with me so I'm currently freezing in this abrupt autumn, but that's because they're in storage. We'll get them next weekend, here's hoping.

Then there are the needs of touch and companionship which I do have. I don't have as many people to talk to in person as readily as when I was on campus, but I do have access to the Internet and there's the possibility of mashing schedules together to make something work. This weekend is Homecoming weekend; Matt and I are going back. Weird being an alum, still. Even though I've been withdrawn people do reach out from time to time and ask me how I'm doing, regardless if I reply immediately.

I have a part-time job of sorts (it's kind of like work for room and board) and promising volunteer experiences. Next week I meet a graduate student at University of Chicago's Human Behavioral Pharmacology Laboratory (website isn't quite up to date as the graduate student I'm to meet isn't up there) to be a volunteer research assistant, an orientation of sorts and to meet others helping with the study. I also have a volunteer orientation set at Easter Seals, though there I'm more clerical volunteer and background because I don't have the right certification or experience to be in the classroom. (I had to get a physical and background check done to volunteer with the Illinois Department Children & Family Services.)

My family, last I know, are doing okay. There was a bit of a scare earlier this week - some hospital stays - but they're better now. Oh. My eldest sister is pregnant again. I found out near the end of August so I think she's maybe...12 weeks along now? It was surprising to me because I still haven't met her first child so it seems so quick! It also hurts a bit that her daughter is growing up and going through a lot of firsts and we (her two aunts) weren't there to see them or celebrate later in person. My niece turned 2 years old recently. We're strangers to her and she to us, though we get pictures now and then and news from our parents when they visit her. A lot of my aunts and uncles and cousins are strangers to me; I suppose the cycle continues, with the continental distances.

What sucks about having (as in being diagnosed with it, not just the temporary episodes that occurs normally) depression is that no matter how many good things are going in your life, you still feel, well, depressed. I don't think it's as simple as "thinking out of it" but I hope I have enough fortitude not to continue being self-hating when I see how many people have found employment - via Facebook or alumni notices from high school or college. I know I'm capable of employment which makes it more frustrating, and I don't find jobs like customer service or dishwashing below me. And sometimes there doesn't seem to be a concrete event sparking my depression.

I know I will be a bit of an emotional mess visiting Beloit again, going by last time's visit, but hey - ballroom dance! My shoes are in storage but heh, I'm fine dancing ballroom bare-feet. There's also a possible Apple Hut visit with apple cider donuts. Yum yum.

My memory is bad and I'm still literal enough to do a list for each day and making them specific to events or revelations, so for Thursday and Friday what I remember...

Thursday, September 29
1. Got safely across the city via train and bus
2. A new system/background for doing insurance statements because the last one was a little ZOMG.
3. Pot roast! Or is it roast pot? No, it's pot roast...
4. Found some things I thought I lost
5. Made kek batik with Matt
6. Finished a freaking awesome book - The Girl With No Hands (and other tales) by Angela Slatter

Friday, September 30
1. Found out what was wrong with the fridge.
2. Meatball marinara Subway
3. Chicken for dinner and green grapes and strawberries for dessert (there were also artichokes but not a fan)
4. A great Fleet Foxes performance though some concert-goers were not courteous
5. No stress with trying to find parking or getting there and back. Whew.
6. Disney Pixar stamps.
hani_backup: (Xena -- Gabby writing)
So survey time

Asks birthdays, relationships, friends, drinking, memories, stuff like that.

Cause it's loong )

A- Age of your first kiss: 14 and a half
B- Band you are listening to right now: Watching Psych on Netflix, not listening to music...
C- Crush: My current boyfriend! :P But I don't have a crush on him now; I'm in love with him.
D- Drink you had last: Chilled water!
E- Easiest person to talk to: Matt or Beth or Hana F, on the phone
F- Favorite ice cream: Oooh, cookies 'n' cream or Safeway Select Brownie with Moose Tracks (new favorite)
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Bears for sure!
H- Height: 5'1"
I- Instruments: In 5th, 6th and 8th-10th grades I played the euphonium
J- Junk food: All of them. :P Fruit Roll Up, Fruit Gushers, Cookies 'n' Cream Chewy bars, Cheese Doritoes
K- Kids: I don't know if I wanna have kids....
L- Longest car/bus ride: Car ride - summer 2007, from Budapest to Bucharest
M- Mom's name: Yeah, not going to say...
N- Nicknames: Izzy, Chipmunk, Midget
O- One wish: To find a job so I can stay in the US
P- Phobia: Roaches, creepy crawly things
Q- Quote: "Not everything is wrong. Even a broken clock is right two times a day."
R- Reasons to smile: Hanging out with friends, heat, music, being outside in good weather
S- Shoe size: 5, 5 1/2
T- Time you woke up today: I haven't slept yet but I got out of bed around 11am Monday morning
U- Unknown fact about me: I used to cut my Barbie's hair thinking it'd regrow
V- Vegetables: My favorites are carrots and spinach. I hate brussel sprouts.
W- Worst Habit: Procrastination.
X- X-rays you've had: Both ankles, chest (for TB)
Y - Years since you've been to church/synogogue: My family is Muslim. But I did visit a church for a class assignment in 2007...
Z- Zodiac sign: Gemini!!!!
hani_backup: (Silhouette and shadows)

I linked to this article "Women announced suicide on Facebook, no one helped" on my Facebook profile. 

I got a very, very despicable answer.

A person on my profile replied "she sucks" on it, to which I responded "Excuse me?" 

His response, after deleting his original post "she sucks" was:

"Yeah she's weak and doesn't know how to deal with her problems like an adult. That's some emo myspace shit."

Oh, that asshole.  I read the post and responded on my mobile phone.  That...asshole. 

I responded with

"So you wrote "she sucks" as your initial response to the post, erased it, then comes back with saying she's weak? Because she committed suicide/attempted it at all, or because she wrote a suicide note online?
I think it's despicable others ...taunted her or made fun of her and didn't take her seriously. I think it's sad that her only friends who asked for her address were those who didn't live nearby and those who seemed to know didn't do anything. Someone saying they'll kill themselves is serious, especially if they seem specific about how and/or when.
There are people who threaten suicide or self-harm to emotionally manipulate people, I've met them or heard of them, but every instance should still be taken seriously. Even if only to show people that their statement is taken seriously, be they seriously suicidal or emotionally manipulative."

It's sooo infuriating, reading his comments.  
hani_backup: (faerie queen)
... You think?

Sorry. It's just something I've known for years. Here's the link to the article, and the full-text below.

Teens who move a lot have twice suicide risk
Moving 3 or more times can contribute to feelings of isolation, study says
By Linda Carroll contributor
updated 11:35 a.m. ET June 26, 2009

By the time she was 18, Cheryl Fike had moved nine times because of her father's job. For Fike, every move was sad, distressing and alienating.

“I remember thinking, ‘Oh no, not again,’ when they’d tell me we had to move,” says Fike, a 52-year old engineer from Galt, Calif. “I was shy and reserved so it was hard for me to make friends. I mostly spent time with my horse and each time I’d worry that we were going to move somewhere where I couldn’t keep her. It made me totally depressed. I think those moves are part of the reason I have panic attacks now.”

Psychologists have known for years that moves can be distressing for kids. But a new study shows that the impact on some adolescents may be far more devastating than anyone thought. The study, published in the Archives of Psychiatry, found that kids aged 11 to 17 were twice as likely to attempt suicide if their families moved three or more times compared to those who had never moved.

And, if the family moved more than 10 times, the children were four times as likely to attempt suicide compared to those who had never moved.

Rest of the article )


*sigh* I attempted when I was 17, and we've moved a lot of times by then. It seems they're also counting houses/residences, not just cities/countries so that's even more. Of course, it was more living alone in Malaysia and not belonging that mostly triggered my depression and attempt.

Seriously, though, I would think this as common sense...


hani_backup: (Default)

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